Miranda - Waterhouse

I want to die, but I’m hesitant to kill myself.  I have the means, a statistically effective but horrible means. I’m on a timeline that forces me to decide quickly whether I  want to try to live or to die.

I’m scared. I’m afraid of being homeless. I’m about to lose the home I’ve had for 18 years and the only friend I thought really cared about me. Maybe it will be better to be dead? Chronic depression is bad enough, but being homeless and chronically depressed is probably more than I can bear. If I’m homeless, will I be robbed, beaten or raped?

I keep getting mail about my mother. She’s 93, has severe Alzheimer’s, and is in a care facility where’s she’s getting good treatment. I’m not able to take care of her issues, because I’m not even capable of taking care of my own life adequately. The latest mail I received about her says someone wants to appoint me as her Conservator, but I don’t want that responsibility. I can’t deal with this now.

I want to be dead. Soon I’ll have no home as well as no income. I wish I didn’t have this feeling inside me that hesitates. I wish I didn’t have a part of me that wants to live. Rationally, I think I should kill myself, but it’s hard to end the habit of being alive.

I can’t describe the methods I’m considering using to end my life in detail – not on any so-called depression “support” forum, anyway. I have 2 possible methods available to me. One involves stealing meds from someone  who needs them. The other involves borrowing a gun. Most people who are suicidal want an effective, painless and clean death, but that’s practically impossible. I can either try for a clean and easy death that may not work, or a more likely effective one that leaves a horrible-looking body to find.

I can’t write about my plans in detail. I can’t write about wanting to write a suicide note with all the instructions my roommate will need, but having trouble making myself write it. Maybe my handwriting would be too hard to read too, so I should probably print it out.

I can’t write about my deadline on the “support” forums, because that’s considered a possible trigger for other people and is thus against their rules.

I can’t tell anyone who might actually care about me and want to help me. If they do care, I don’t want to worry them. If they don’t really care, I don’t want them to feel guilty afterward. I’ve been isolating myself for years, further and further away from people who used to be my friends, in part because I didn’t want them to feel guilty when they find out I killed myself. If they can’t help me, they shouldn’t have to feel guilty for not doing something.

When I told my roommate that I spend much of my time trying to not feel suicidal, she said, “If you do that, that’s your choice.” I thought she was the only real friend I had left, but if she can say that to me, maybe she doesn’t care that much if I kill myself? She’s evicting me and leaving me homeless. She gave me a place to live even when I couldn’t pay rent, but now she’s putting her own needs first. She has other friends, so she’ll probably be fine without me. She also plans to kill herself when she feels like it’s her time to go.

I’m not saying that I love her and feel like she’s the only real friend I have. I’m not saying that I want her to have any money she can get from my selling my stuff. I’m not saying that I want her to feel guilty when she finds out I really did kill myself. I’m not saying that I think she should have helped me get mental health assistance and financial support, instead of just telling me to get a job, then giving 30 days to get out. I’m not saying that losing her friendship is harder for me than losing my home, all my possessions and my dog.

At least she’s agreed to take some responsibility for trying to find a home for my dog. At least I don’t have to feel like losing my home is a death sentence for my dog, as well as for me.

 

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2 thoughts on “What I’m not saying

  1. Hi. I thought I would get a notification when people I followed made blog posts. Not so, apparently.

    I can’t believe someone would say “that’s your choice”, cant believe someone would end a friendship, do this to you knowing what you’re going through. Well, I can, people are horrible, but still, extreme coldness and cruelty never stops being a shock.

    Would write more but on phone and typing is near impossible.

    Please stick around.

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  2. I’m not sure what was going through her mind when she said that, but I’m sure she does care about me. I think she thinks I’ll be fine. I don’t think she understands how close I think I am to killing myself.

    I suspect that when I said I’m trying to not feel like killing myself, she thought I was saying that to emotionally manipulate her. I wasn’t. I was trying to explain how messed up my mental state was. I needed and still need mental health support. Instead of her helping me to get that, she would tell me I need to get a job. – True, but that’s not the most crucial need when someone feels overwhelmed and unable to cope with their problems.

    I was seriously planning to kill myself on Tuesday, but then she told me that if I get temporary housing, she’ll help me get an apartment after her house sells. I don’t believe this is a feasible plan, but the fact that she was thinking about my needs stopped me from wanting to kill myself that day. She also told me that her daughter had only recently told her that when she was homeless, she was twice assaulted. Her daughter had never told her that before. I think she may have realized a little of what I’m fearing and that everything doesn’t always work out ok for homeless people.

    When she was young, she was a hippie and was homeless by choice in New York for a short period. She was always able to find help, shelter and a job, but not everyone is that lucky or skilled at survival.

    She apparently doesn’t view evicting me as ending our friendship, but if I kill myself, that certainly would be the end of it.

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