5.1 My new Goddess painitng & vanity

Ever notice how your life can seem like a prison sometimes?

I think this as I sit in my room – 4 walls, 3 laptops, 2 windows, 1 door.  Why does this room seem like a prison cell? I can leave anytime I want. I’m not chained here by an abusive partner. I’m not isolated by not having a car. I’m in an imaginary prison made of my own thoughts. I feel limited by uncertainty, insecurity & fear.

I try to look out onto the bigger world, by looking into my computer screen as if it were some high tech scrying tool. I gaze into this magic mirror, looking for something meaningful or enlightening, yet find very little that’s helpful for treating my vague malaise. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the cleverest of them all?” It can’t be me, yet the mirror refuses to offer other candidates.

Facebook is full of recycled memes that soon become trite & boring. YouTube isn’t much better, though can be entertaining for a few hours. Second Life seems like a another planet I’ve left behind. News feeds seem predictable. My email is too. Worst of all, my mind seems incapable of thinking up something interesting to Google search. It’s all just wash, rinse, repeat, yet doesn’t leave me feeling clean & shiny.

A mirror can be an amazing device though, if you use it wisely, because it can reflect back parts of yourself of which you may not be aware. If every one else seems boring, maybe that’s because I’m not doing enough to be interesting myself? If I’m not entertained, I probably need to try to be more entertaining. If I’m not feeling enlightened, maybe I need to try to be more wise.

One thing I do know is that whining about being bored is boring. So I decided to post on this blog instead. I like not having to conform to platform standards that some computer algorithm selling “Likes” has invented. I like being able to turn my weird feelings into words that create a mood & ideas on my own terms.

If you read this blog and don’t like it, that’s fine. You’re free to click away to another page that suits your own mood & interests better. If you like it, that’s great. If you want to post a comment that says you like it, that’s ok too, as long I don’t start feeling dependent on your “Likes” & comments. Whether you like my blog should always be insignificant to me compared to whether I like it myself. I write this for myself first, and for all of you only secondarily.

I hope that doesn’t mean I’m self absorbed, but really, why should I expect anyone else to validate my internal mental ramblings?

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