I can’t log in at Facebook. Something happened when I was online at Starbucks yesterday. This has happened before. I think I declined a Facebook cookie somewhere, now the site doesn’t recognize me. The solution is to find where in my laptop I have a list of blocked cookies & restore the one that should be there, but I don’t know how to find that option. I’ve done this before, but it’s so hard to find the right path.
Not being able to get on Facebook bothered me last night. Then I fell asleep with my headphones on, listening to some relaxing meditation video on YouTube. I woke with my head hurting from the headphones, took them off & went back to sleep. When I woke again early this morning, my laptop was still on in sleep mode. I turned it back on & found another video playing of a stream with birds. Very calming, so I put my headphones back on & fell back asleep.
Even though this video was calming when I was awake, somehow I had a disturbing dream of being in the future & feeling very disoriented.
In my earlier dream, I was with my Mom while we walked to a veterinary hospital with 2 small dogs. She didn’t want to take too long, because she wanted to leave to go on a vacation. She left the check-in window. Then I started yelling at her & telling her how horrible she was to care more about vacations & jewelry than about taking care of our dogs. I was really mean to her, because I felt like she was a horrible person & if I didn’t stand up for our pets, they’d suffer more. In the dream, telling her how horrible she was seemed like the right thing to do. After I woke, I felt bad, because she’s old & has advanced Alzheimer’s in waking life. I think dreams can sometimes be shared psychic dreams, & I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty & upset by me yelling at her now. I hope that dream was just in my own mind, & not her in her dream too.
In my dream just now, I find myself in a small shared apartment in a city in the future. I’m on the ground floor, near a big shopping area. A young man has a space on the other side of this box-like apartment. I wonder if this is like a hospital room because our individual spaces are so small & sparsely furnished. I don’t seem to have very much stuff of my own anymore. Kathrin comes to visit me. I’m glad to see her, but she seems standoffish & angry at me. A woman & a man come in who seem like social workers. I’m trying to get dressed as they talk to me. I start feeling very confused as I can’t find normal clothes to wear. I put on a pair of socks, but they have ruffles on them & don’t match. The one on my left foot has multicolored ruffles on the ankle. The one on my right foot has embroidered strawberries & white ruffles with a red edge. The jeans I put on seem ok, but someone offers me another pair that looks like it’s made of a bacon cheeseburger. The social workers move my bed, while I’m trying to find stuff. I had a small chest of drawers next to my bed, but I can’t find it now. I thought I had my own bathroom near where my bed is, but when I open the door, another woman is inside & she yells at me for opening the door on her.
I start to think I must be in a mental hospital & can’t tell what’s real & what’s a hallucination. A woman gives me a kind of sandwich that has thin layers of different kinds of food. They’re all the texture of a fruit rollup, but have flavors like pizza, hamburger, cheese, lettuce & tomato. This further enforces the idea that I must be in the future & this is a new style of food. The window in this room looks onto a big lake. Kathrin tells me this may be dangerous to be so close to the water on the ground floor. The water seems calm, but I know I sometimes have dreams of ocean storms & tsunamis. This thought reminds me that I’m dreaming, so now I want to get out of this room & go exploring outside.
The woman social worker asks me how old I am. I say I think I’m 52, but I might be wrong. I say I’m not sure if I’m in the future or if this is just a dream. I say I was 52 before, but I don’t know if I’m the same person now. I don’t know if I’m dreaming of being in a future incarnation, in which case talking about my present life will just make me sound more crazy. The social workers keep taking to me, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. They seem to talk very softly, even though I keep telling them I can’t hear them,
The social workers don’t want me to wander around outside, but I ignore them & go anyway. Outside looks like the inside of a huge shopping mall. I find an escalator going down to a lower level, then remember I have a trick in dreams of being able to jump from a great height & not being hurt. I want to show this off & freak out the other people. I jump over the side & fall slowly, landing safely on the ground below. [I also like to jump off platforms & buildings in Second Life like this, because it’s faster than walking down stairs.] Another woman I’d been talking with comes down to see if I’m alright. I think I’d probably freak people out even more if I decide to fly now. I don’t really want that kind of attention now, so I don’t. I wake.
My real life home feels like living in a mental hospital sometimes, except there are no doctors, nurses, or social workers, only us 3 patients. I have my own bedroom, but we have to share the bathroom. I really did lose almost all my possessions & don’t have many clothes to choose from when I get dressed. I really do have a small chest of drawers next to my bed, but this one is light pine, while the one in my dream was dark blue metal. I have a little furniture from thrift stores in my room. I have more privacy in real life than I had in this dream.
After I had the dream of yelling at my mother, I felt guilty for being angry with her, then dreamt I was in a place similar to her convalescent home. I’ve dreamt before of living in a convalescent home & of the nurse there thinking I was hallucinating when I was talking about just having talked to my present day friends & the wild & cool things I’ve experienced in real life. I think sometimes that if I end up in a convalescent home in real life, people there will think I’m crazy when I tell them I’m a witch, but then I can annoy the Christians & they’ll leave me be because I’m old & addled.
I often have lucid dreams in which I have powers like flying, that the other dream characters don’t have. Then I want to show that I’m not like them, I have a greater consciousness, self-awareness & powers that free me from their limitations. When I’m awake, I take this as being symbolic of my real life intelligence & powers. In my dreams, I sometimes worry that others will be afraid of me if I show off my powers. I used to dream of my mother telling me not to fly in my dreams & trying to keep me from flying, because she was afraid of what others would think. In real life, I’ve learned not to tell others about abnormal abilities I think I have, because these things don’t fit into their paradigms of reality & they either won’t believe or they’ll be scared.
I wonder if I’m crazy in this dream, but in the end I realize the world around me is crazy, not me. I don’t have to be confined by the limitations & fears of other people. I can do what I want, go where I want, & break whatever perceived rules I want to break.