This post is likely not as interesting as the title suggests. I just feel trapped, anxious & unhappy in my life.
Our sometimes psychotic roommate is acting relatively normal. He still leaves odd structures around outside, but hasn’t been talking to himself in that low, scary voice.
I’m at a Panera’s right now, using their Wi-Fi. I felt emotionally uncomfortable at home. I was feeling anxious & sick to my stomach this morning before I left the house. I ate a free taco at Rubio’s & small Jamba Juice drink, checked my post office box, then looked at my previous home from across the street for a while. I could say this is my 6 month anniversary of being made homeless & having almost all of my possessions stolen from me. My non-crazy roommate marks anniversaries of some of her traumatic events. Time is supposed to help heal us. It hasn’t seemed to heal me of other traumatic events in my life.
I spent part of this weekend at a pagan fair. I only talked with one person I knew, then felt uncomfortable enough after a few minutes that I wanted to walk away from him. He gave me advice on trying to get a job. He probably thought that was something I needed to think about.
What I was thinking about most of the time there is whether I should continue to hex the crazy roommate to leave. I decided I should, & bought incense to help with that, but I also have deeper issues. What if he leaves, & at the same time the relatively normal roommate leaves too? That’s kind of what happened at my last home. I hated the new housemate so much, that I hexed him repeatedly. Eventually he left, but so did the roommate I liked & needed. I lost almost everything. I can’t go thought that again. I need safety & stability to heal & repair my life. If he goes, will my life be easier…or just a different form of crazy?
The non-crazy roommate both doubts & fears the efficacy of magic spells. I find this is often the case with people who are brought up to fear that which they don’t understand. Some people simply don’t believe in weird stuff, which is perfectly reasonable, but many half-believe, fearfully, in case what lies in the shadows might be dangerous. I thought once that if I fear something, then I should learn more about it. This is a good way to banish fear. Yet the old Bible story tells us that knowledge is itself dangerous, so many people fear knowledge they think is forbidden.
Are we still children who are told not to play with matches? Will the pit really stare back at us if we dare to look into it? I think “the pit” is what’s inside us already, & I don’t mind shining a light into it to see better what’s there. The dark is scary when we don’t know what’s in it, but in truth, the same kinds of things are in the dark that are in the light. Good or bad, help or harm, is everywhere around us and within us. I’m not afraid of my “dark side”, because the better I understand it, the better I can control it & use it.
Anyway, I bought & made stuff to help get rid of our psycho roommate. I’m just waiting a bit until hexing him again feels like the right thing to do. We’re on a waning moon, so this is probably a good time to do it.