Feeling anxious again. Still at Starbucks, & the Wi-Fi connection is very wonky. I need to prep for talking to the legal aid folks early tomorrow, but I don’t think I can when I feel anxious like this. (Breathe)
I’m feeling anxious about feeling anxious. This is so stupid. I’m afraid to go home & feel uncomfortable there, even though I might be able to just watch TV or take a nap, or leave again if I feel uncomfortable. I have to feed my dog in a couple hours anyway, so I have to go home pretty soon.
Friday & Saturday night I watched TV in the living room, trying not to give into catastrophic thinking, trying not to think about wanting to kill myself or do something to get myself sent to prison.
This morning I ate 10 mg of THC in a chocolate covered blueberry to relax. That helps lower my anxiety, but I don’t want to rely too much on drugs to control my emotions. As non-prescription medication, I use alcohol or marijuana edibles rarely & in low doses to relax, but I prefer being drug-free & clear-headed. The chocolate-covered blueberries are $ 15/ tin too, & I try to be careful with my spending because I’m living off limited savings.
I’m mostly rambling here, trying to calm down before I drive home.
I feel isolated by poverty & mental illness. My home feels like a prison or mental ward, except I can drive away to feel more normal somewhere else. Thank God I have a working car. The other woman roommate has a van, so she could be homeless for a while & be fairly comfortable about it. I hate trying to sleep in my car with my dog. We’re both uncomfortable trying to sleep in my car, & lack of sleep is really bad for my anxiety.
^ See, that’s the beginning of catastrophic thinking. I’m imaging being homeless again & stressing out, even though I’m not homeless right now & have a little money in savings.
I’m also angry at the other roommate for not paying rent & thus making our landlord want to evict me too. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s put me into crisis,…or she doesn’t see this, because she’s ok herself?…or because I always try to act like I’m not falling apart inside? Maybe she gets an adrenaline rush from risky situations? We weren’t in physical danger when the other roommate was just slamming doors & talking to himself, but that was a trigger for her, so she decided it would be better to risk getting evicted than to stay in our current situation. She didn’t think that her not paying rent might affect me. She probably didn’t have enough money for rent anyway, so she figured it couldn’t hurt her to withhold it as leverage. She either didn’t consider or didn’t care that her not paying rent might reflect badly on me, because I had her come in as a friend of mine. A friend who gets me evicted is not a great friend.
Another example of catastrophic thinking I’ve been doing is thinking maybe I should have my dog put to sleep, so it will be easier for me to get a room somewhere. It’s hard to find an inexpensive room, with decent roommates & dog-friendly. It was a miracle I found this place, even if it is in a crappy neighborhood & one of the roommate is sometimes psychotic.
When he’s not acting psychotic, he’s not that bad. He put a dish towel on the kitchen/ garage door, so he wouldn’t keep slamming it. When we complained of him smoking in the house, he finally smoked in the garage or outside instead. If he continues to not take his meds & probably do meth, he’ll keep having scary psychotic episodes, though.