I sent an email to our landlord on Friday, asking if he wants us to pay a prorated amount for rent up to October 23rd. I also told him the other woman housemate & I had a “nice chat” with the neighbor ladies next door. His response was a very terse “Rent for October is $ 309. I need my house back on Oct. 23rd.”

It should go without saying that I’ve been very upset since I was given the 30 day notice to leave my current home. I managed to pay my Oct rent yesterday, checked my post office box, & went to the grocery store for some food, but I’m an emotional mess.

Yesterday, I was sitting in a store parking lot, reviewing & deleting old text messages on my phone. As I did, I felt like I was right back in those moments, feeling all the anxiety of being afraid of our sometimes psychotic housemate. Even though I was wearing a pendent with grounding abilities, I did not feel like I was in the present reality. My mind was swimming in the recent past. I was not grounded.

When I had practically no money, I developed a habit of shoplifting food & other small necessities. Yesterday, I stopped at a grocery store & walked out with a box of fresh pastries without paying for them. After I got home, I felt guilty & sick to my stomach. I didn’t need those pasties, so I shouldn’t have taken them. I just did it because I knew I could get away with it & thought doing so would make me feel better. I’m experienced at shoplifting, so it’s not very risky for me, but I want to be ethical & not steal things if I don’t absolutely have to do it.

A few days before, I shoplifted a half-priced, day-old chicken pastry from another store & gave it to a homeless man with a bottle of water. I don’t feel guilty about that. I was going to eat it myself, but by giving it to a homeless man instead, I could view myself as a kind of Robin Hood rather than a self-centered thief. I don’t feel bad about stealing food that’s soon to be tossed out either.

Our sometimes psycho housemate’s been relatively normal for the last week, but he’s still not a normal person. His logic is a little weird, he listens to loud, annoying music on his headphones, plays the TV too loud so he can hear it from his bedroom, & takes several showers each day. When I asked him if he hadn’t already take a shower the other day, he said he had something in his mouth he wanted to wash out. After he came out of the shower he said our “demon-Mason” landlord was paying for the water anyway, so why shouldn’t he use as much water as he wants? (He thinks our landlord & the pastor who manages some of his other properties are Masons who practice Voodoo.)

I’m feeling too much anxiety today. I got enough sleep the last 2 nights. I took a few low doses of St. John’s Wort. Maybe if I ate some low-dose cannabis candy, it would turn off my anxiety faucet, but I don’t want my thinking to be fuzzy. I had to get out of the house this morning, but I’m only barely managing my mood today & not getting anything else done that I need to do. I fed my dog & spayed antibiotic on her elbow wound, but I need to try to get a job & a new place to live. I thought I’d be able to put in a resume at a temp agency today, but I’m too much of a mess mentally & emotionally.

I’m broken, but probably not beyond repair. My other 2 housemates are broken too, each in different ways. The guy doesn’t seem to be doing anything about looking for another place to live. I think he’s in denial & thinks he can just stay indefinitely. The other woman is working with free legal aid to fight her eviction. I don’t think her chances of winning are good. I feel like I *want* to move, to get away from both of them, but I have difficulty getting work done when I feel so anxious most of the time.