Hamster in a wheel

It’s a continuing effort to break negative thought cycles or thought spirals.

The difference for me between a thought cycle vs. a spiral is that a spiral goes out of control into very dangerous thinking, such as suicidal thoughts. A thought cycle, on the other hand, goes through an often repeated pattern, such as worry -> anxiety -> fear -> depression -> hopelessness -> detachment -> anger, but doesn’t go to suicidal thoughts.

Thursday morning I broke my anxiety cycle by remembering events in my life that I don’t often think about. I was trying to remind myself that I’ve been in very bad emotional places before and managed to get back into the workforce from those places. I let myself remember those other times that I usually block out of my mind, and by doing so, my most recent disaster seemed less horrible.

It sucks that so much of my life has been stressful and depressing, but I’ve also been able to overcome those problems to get back to a happier place again. I don’t think anyone alive really knows all I’ve been through emotionally. I seldom tell all of my story, because that kind of talk depresses people and makes them not want to hear it.

To be sure, my life has had plenty of good times too. I’m not discounting that. It’s been a hell of an interesting rollercoaster ride, even though some people would think my life has been mundane and boring. I don’t tend to talk much about the interesting parts either, because they’ve been pretty out-there. Ha ha.

Anyway, I broke my negative thinking cycle in part by remembering a greater part of my past turmoil and strength. I also broke it by getting away from the house. Wednesday I went to a cheap movie, then bought 3 workplace-type blouses for $ 4 each at Sears. I spent Thursday afternoon and a good part of Friday at the library, then bought Office for my laptop so I can update my resume with it. Today I got away to the library again, but forgot my own laptop at home. I don’t want to waste gas with another trip home and back here. Damn.

I think there is a kind of negative psychic energy at the house. I think it comes mostly from the crazy housemate, but some of it may be from the other housemate or previous conflict there. I saged the house once and repeatedly spray my own room with a room spray of essential oils for positive, uplifting energy, but the crazy one keeps generating more negativity each day. When I came home yesterday, the house felt oppressive. When I sat in the backyard with my dog, I didn’t feel it so much, but even in my own room, I feel it every day.

Last week he bought a cheap drone. When I asked him about it, he said it was to spy on the neighbors who put a restraining order on him. Hmmm. Sounds like the other roommate and I might need to go visit them and give them a heads up about that.