anxiety-3

Monday I picked up Thanksgiving food from a local food closet. I stood outside in line for 4 hours, but got a whole frozen turkey, some canned food, some bakery goodies, and a few pieces of produce. My new roommate worked the first day of her new job for the same amount of time. After I came home, I needed to rest for 20 minutes before going out again.

I drove to North Highlands to pick up mail that had been delivered to my old address. While I was there, the crazy ex-roommate wanted to chat. This was stressful for me because he has weird ideas, asks me questions about mythology, metaphysics and magic, then doesn’t have the patience to wait for complicated, nuanced answers. He believes his ex-roommate, our old landlord, and the property manager for the landlord put voodoo hexes on him that made him act crazy. He believes he wrote words on pieces of wood that disappeared after he wrote them. He believes the letter T is a symbol for the devil. He believes there are 2 or 3 voodoo dolls of him out in the world. (That last part is true, since I threw a couple in the river when I was trying to get him to leave.)

I wanted to get home before dark, but he kept talking. Then I got more food at Grocery Outlet and checked my post office box before getting on the freeway to drive home. Driving in the dark makes me nervous, especially when the roads are wet from rain and my car is not in good working order. I’m afraid my car could break down, but I don’t have money to get it fixed.

This morning I tried to find 2 other food closets that might have Thanksgiving food. I found them, but neither was open. Then I started to get anxious and wanted to go home. I sat in my driveway for half an hour, feeling anxious & trying to calm down. I went inside, took a shower, then ate a burrito for lunch, before going out again. I returned the space heater I bought last week when I thought my new roommate was angry because the house was too cold. We got the heaters working the next day, so I don’t need to spend $ 35 on an electric space heater.

I keep looking in the thrift store for a small kitchen table, but can’t find one. We have no table for Thanksgiving dinner. The new roommate has a dining table stored in the garage, but it’s too big for the small kitchen. She has no curtains in her bedroom. I have one on the front window, but none on the side window. I’m trying to be so careful about spending money, but I feel like I need to buy things for the house that our new landlady didn’t provide,…curtain rods, a kitchen trash can, maybe a lawn-mower? I can’t afford to do this and feel like this is doubly unfair because she kept Janae’s rent money after she flaked on renting the room.

Janae told Rob that I’m not a good person, but he didn’t believe her because I’ve always seemed fair with him. I at least paid some money toward our utilities at the last house. She didn’t. She told him she would as she got into her car to leave, then left the old house for good, with no intention of ever paying her share of the utilities. I imagine that in her mind, Rob deserves to suffer because his crazy behavior bothered her so much. I doubt she believes she deserves to suffer for hurting other people herself, though. – Note, I have no intention to hex her for that. Her bad karma is enough to punish her.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m a good person, I deserve to be safe and happy, and lately that my thoughts and feelings are ok. That’s one of the things that often worry me, that my thoughts and feelings make me so messed up that I’ll never be able to function normally. The irony is that when I worry about worrying, I make the worrying worse. When I fear my own emotions, I make my fear and depression worse. I’m not on any prescription antidepressant. I’m only taking a low dose of St. John’s Wort and no cannabis to calm my nerves. I have to keep my system clean for a possible pre-employment drug screen. So this means, I’m basically trying to control my anxiety & depression with just my own thoughts, which is sometimes hard. That’s probably why the noise other people make in the library bothers me so much. I’m glad at least the house is quiet and peaceful,…but I wish we had Wi-Fi at home.

 

 

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