I’ve been trying and hoping to get this one job I want for over a month. I did green candle money spells and recited my favorite rhyming one. I drove to my past employer to get the correct employer ID and the temp agency before that to get information from them. I replied to the verifier company with all the information they asked for and more. Still the verifying company got facts wrong on their report that could make me look bad, like saying I didn’t provide my previous supervisor’s name when I did and that I didn’t provide my current supervisor’s phone number when I did. The end result is that I still don’t know if the employer will give me the job or resend their offer.
In the meantime, I’m working a part-time minimum wage phone bank job. Fortunately minimum wage in California is almost a living wage, so with the bonuses I got on my last check I’m effectively making almost $ 11.25/ hour for 20 hour/ week job. By also selling my plasma for $ 50 / week, I’m almost making enough to pay my rent and other expenses…almost, but not quite enough.
I’m so stressed, and when I’m stressed my default emotion is self-hatred, like everything I do is wrong and everything bad that happens to me is my fault. This last week when I was at work, I was sure my supervisors looked worried, like I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Yet when I got my review last night, my supervisor said I was doing great. I need more donations by credit card and for more money. Yet for being new to the work, I’m doing very well. They tell me I’m doing great. Then I say I’m doing ok. I can’t admit that I’m doing any better than passably ok. There is also no job security in this job, so I can’t count on it to pay my bills or get me out of poverty.
As a witch, I’m supposed to be able to count on my intuition, but right now I can’t. I thought this job I want was perfect for me, so I would get it. Then I doubted I’d get it. If I don’t get it, is that because I doubted myself and my spellwork? If I believe I’ll get it, is this true intuition or wishful thinking?
In my later dreams this morning, I was basically homeless and living in a bus or van. Some people moved me while I slept. Then I thought they’d stolen some jewelry and other small items from me. Someone said I needed to move again. I got angry, saying I had already moved enough and they had no right to take my stuff. Then I realized I was dreaming and let out my anger by attacking this one woman I thought had stolen my stuff and smashing her head down on the sidewalk. Because I knew I was dreaming, I thought it was fine to release my anger in violence that wouldn’t really hurt anyone. Yet when I woke, I still felt insecure and unhappy.
I spent most of today online, but not getting much accomplished. I can’t enjoy anything much when I feel so worried and insecure.