Everything is not happy and rosy for me yet. I’m still struggling internally and externally. I’ve been 3 weeks in my new job. I like it and the pay is good, but I’m not proficient yet. I’m behind where my boss expected me to be and was told I showed “behavioral problems” as well. Specifically, I asked too many questions or talked about my previous lab work when my trainers wanted me to just listen and do as I was told, I went looking in drawers and cupboards for something when I should have asked where it was, I looked for work to do instead of waiting to be told what to do, and I suggested a way to test the best way to shake samples before weighing them out. My boss said everyone wants me to succeed, but for now I need to just do what I’m told.
I’m anxious so much of the time at work. I keep thinking people don’t like me or they’re talking about me. I feel sometimes like nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I’m struggling this weekend not to go into catastrophic thinking. I don’t think I slept more than 4 hours last night and only ate a few bites of food so far today. I asked my Dad’s spirit to help me be successful at work next week. One week at a time, I’m telling myself. Four weeks working here will provide me with 2 months worth of living expenses if I continue to be very careful with my money. I don’t want to lose this job, though. This last year has been too hard for me to have to keep struggling now just to survive. I also hate this feeling that comes with my fear and desperation that maybe I’m supposed to kill myself. I don’t want to think like that, but it’s hard when I have hardly anyone in this world to support me emotionally. I have a few Facebook friends and relatives, but I doubt they’ll read past the first paragraph of my blog posts that show on my Facebook page.
I got my 2nd paycheck direct-deposited yesterday. I went to my bank to move half of what was in my checking account into my savings. There was a man sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bank, asking people for money. I couldn’t feel much sympathy for him, because he was bothering me and the other people going to the ATM. I went inside and told a manager that he was out there bothering people, then I gave him $ 1 on my way out, so he wouldn’t think I was the one who ratted on him. There’s another man who sleeps under the porch of a nearby building, but doesn’t seem to bother people. I gave him $ 20 last weekend when I took money out to spend at a psychic faire.