magic beansI’m feeling down today. My life is still imperfect and still a struggle. That’s normal though. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and Life will always require work.

I made it through the first month at my new job. One of my trainers said I’m doing much better now, though my plating technique still needs work. My supervisor comes back from vacation next week, so she could decide I’m doing ok or decide I’m not learning fast enough and let me go. I guess I’m like Schrödinger’s Cat right now, because in my mind I’m both secure in my job and about to be fired.

I want to feel safe, comfortable and happy, but I seldom do. I still wish sometimes that I could take a pill that would easily end my life. Most of the day I’m too busy focusing on work and necessities to think like that, but when I’m physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, it’s hard for me to see a happy life in my future.

I think I should be able to have some fun, but I have to balance being responsible with having fun. I also feel guilty for having fun sometimes, or for spending money on eating out or buying some little treat for myself.

The only new clothes I’ve bought in the last 6 months were a 2 bras, pair of inexpensive interview shoes, discounted Sketchers sneakers and a purse at DD’s Discounts. I’ve also bought a pair of jeans and a few tops at a thrift store. I need a few more clothes for work, another pair of jeans or slacks and a couple more blouses. I probably need new glasses. My car also has a problem with the driver-side door that needs to be fixed. I’m trying to be really careful with my money until I know this job is secure, though.

I try to eat somewhat healthy food and get enough sleep. I take St. John’s wort, but no prescription antidepressants. I had an edible cannabis treat last night when I was feeling anxious, but the THC dose was too high for me. I’m ok with 5 – 10 mg, but this tiny lemon-bar treat had 50 mg, so I ended up feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. In my drunk-like, half-conscious state in the middle of the night, I kept thinking to myself, “Do not do this again. Know your limits and abide by them.”

I read a letter from one of Mom’s conservators that said she was sitting in the activity room of her convalescent hospital when this person tried to talk with her. She was barely responsive and had drool on the front of her shirt from putting her blanket in her mouth. She also said “I don’t hear you”, when the person tried to ask her questions. – This notice was what made me feel anxious yesterday.  I need to go see Mom, but the thought of seeing her brings up so many mixed emotions of guilt, sadness and anger. I pushed through my anxiety when I was out shopping, then decided to get the cannabis treat to see if it could make me relax and feel happy. It didn’t. It just made me feel dizzy and sick.

What does it take to feel safe, comfortable and happy? There don’t seem to be any magic beans for these things. I keep thinking I *should* be able to focus on the positives in my life, but I keep feeling anxious and depressed.

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One thought on “No Magic Beans

  1. I don’t think there’s any magic beans to make everything better. If they existed, I’m sure they’d be like those jelly beans from Harry Potter where you never knew what kind of taste you were going to get. After all, there had to be some kind of catch to them.

    I hope things with your job stabilize soon and everything works out.

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