trapped-leaf

This is how I’m feeling lately. My mind is a mess, unfocused, easily distracted, sometimes anxious, but just as often calm. I feel like a leaf floating down a river. I keep getting caught in spots where I spin around in pointless circles, trapped behind some little rock or dead branch. A current catches me and moves me a little further, until I get caught in another trap.

I’m home most of the day, watching my dog and 5 others. My roommate watches dogs for pay, but I watch them more than she does and get paid nothing for my time. I’m also watching two little ones as a favor for my landlady, charging $ 10 per day, which I’ll take off my rent. Each dog individually is not much trouble, but 6 in one small house can be. They all vie for attention, with the potential for conflict. One of the little ones rolls in poo sometimes, then needs to be bathed. My Kaylee wants to keep them out of our room, or at least keep them from running past her and jumping onto my bed. She snarls and snaps at them, trying to terrify them, but doesn’t draw blood. I decided to watch how she feels about them, then take my cue from her as to whether I let each of them in or not. I realized that if I don’t set boundaries on these dogs, she will, so better I keep them out than for her to start fighting with them. Dogs will always seek better status in the household hierarchy, so as humans we need to be sure they know we’re the alphas of the pack.

My roommate has a new job she likes, but doesn’t have a car. She lost it for mysterious reasons. Not paying her car payment? Getting traffic tickets? I don’t know how someone can afford alcohol, weed, new clothes and a trip to Las Vegas, but can’t afford to make car payments or get her car out of impound. She’s a good person for the most part though, so I’ve been giving her rides to work and picking her up sometimes. I told her I want $ 5/ day for driving her, but she often “forgets” to pay me. She also “forgot” to pay me for the 6 pack of hard cider she and her boyfriend drank without asking me.  – I dreamt one morning that another friend wanted me to help her with some work instead letting me do my own. I realized after I woke that this was really about me doing too much for my roommate, when I should be doing more for myself.

Some days are so hot that I focus on keeping cool and getting drive-away chores done early in the day. When I get home, it’s hot and I’m tired, so I lie on my bed, listening to the radio, then sometimes dozing off. I get up to watch the news, then maybe a TV show. I don’t spend enough time on my job search. I worry that I don’t have enough high-speed data on my hot-spot. I try using the local library for their free computer access. Then I get distracted by Facebook, YouTube, or annoying people at the library. I’m not going into Second Life, but I’m still wasting time. Today I was so frustrated with the slowness of Internet Explorer on my laptop, that I finally downloaded and used Mozilla instead. This seems so much faster now. Hurray!

When my computer was updating Windows the other day, I couldn’t use it for anything else, so I got pulled into a sci-fi paperback in a series I like. Now this book calls to me, suggesting I can read a little more before I go to do my work.

Our refrigerator wasn’t working the day before yesterday, frozen food melting, cold food not staying cold. My roommate called to tell our landlady, who quickly bought a new refrigerator and brought dry ice to keep the food cold in the meantime. The delivery of the new refrigerator came yesterday, so I had to clear out all the food from the old refrigerator, clean it, then put the food into the new one. I still need to clean the shelves before I put them back in the old refrigerator, which is now in our garage. It’s not even really broken though, since the freezer was still working. It probably just had the cold air from the freezer blocked by ice build up or something.

I don’t feel grounded and centered. I’ve used essential oils, baths and spells to help me be more calm and focused, but my mind is still a mess most of the time. I feel like I’m too sensitive to the emotions of other people around me, so I’m better when I’m in the house alone. The dogs have emotions too though. Most of the time I keep them calm enough, but sometimes one will be whining, demanding attention, or barking at every person who walks by outside.

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