A Devil & Paper Horses – part 2 (dream interpretation)

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The Devil in tarot can represent being bound by addictions. For me it represents depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s the force that tries to destroy me, the self-destructive force which I have to continually fight against.

According to this page – http://www.spiritanimal.info/horse-spirit-animal/ ,

The horse spirit animal symbolizes personal drive, passion and appetite for freedom. Among all the spirit animals, it is one that shows a strong motivation that carries one through life. The meaning of the horse varies depending on whether this animal spirit guide is represented as wild, tamed, moving freely or constrained.

Horse spirit animals are likely to represent your inner strength and driving force in life. A typical symbolism for the horse is one of an animal representing physical strength, vitality, but also our psychological or emotional ability to go on in life.

Depending on what this spirit animal means to you, it could symbolize your ability to overcome obstacles in life and pursue your goal no matter what may stand on your way.

According to psychologist Carl Jung, horses symbolize natural forces mastered by human beings. Just like we harness a horse to ride it or use its power, we can harness our own energy or nature’s to serve us and bring us further.

A horse spirit animal, especially when it appears to you in a dream, is likely to represent your energy or drive to express your authentic self and succeed in life. This spirit animal could also be a reflection of how well you deal with your primitive desires and urges, whether you live with them in harmony or if they are difficult to control.

If your horse spirit animal appears to you in a bad dream as a weak or suffering animal, it could characterize a mental or emotional state you experience in your waking life. If the horse is mistreated or suffers in the dream, your animal spirit guide could warn you to take your needs seriously before you’re going deep in trouble.

Such an image is likely a call to consider what supports you and brings your energy and joy in life as opposed to confining yourself into limiting beliefs or other people’s expectations. For instance, look at constructive ways to support others while taking into account your own needs.

White is associated with elevating your mood or spiritual aspirations; the white horse is a symbol for developing awareness of your instincts and intuition. [End quote]

For me, the 3 white paper horses are a direct corollary to the 3 white puppies in the previous dream. The puppies represented my child-like vulnerable side that needs to be protected, but is in some way being neglected and starved.

The paper horses may represent writing, as well as the antidote to the negative thinking which the devil symbolizes. In some way this negativity creates my desire to write, and thus to harness and transform my negative emotions into something positive and aspirational.  The Devil in Tarot is not entirely negative, but is rather something that challenges us to overcome it’s negative aspects, while incorporating it’s life-affirming positive aspects. Horses represent a similar kind of physicality and life-affirmation, but controlled and thus without the negative side that the Devil represents. The color white further emphasizes positive spirituality.

In the earlier dream with the puppies, the one told me it was in need of nurturing. In this later dream from the same night, I helped rescue the vulnerable pets, then went back to rescue the paper horses – symbolizing my desire to live and create meaning and purpose in my life.

The clock tower building represents time somehow – either the pressure of time or learning through time? – Note also that I’m not alone in this fight against the devil, but have the help of some friends or a kind of community of like-minded people. Battling this devil is my own fight, however, even though I have their help in establishing a place where we can all feel safe.

Why are there multiple pet animals? Just now I’m reminded of the animal spirits called daemons in the book, The Golden Compass. Perhaps they represent the daemon spirits of the other people too?

 

 

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A Devil & Paper Horses – part 1 (a dream)

origami horse

I’m writing this dream here instead of in my dream journal. It’s an anxiety nightmare.

I’m looking over a big dark room below me, like a basement full of clutter. I’m standing at the top of these stairs after just climbing out of the room myself. Maybe there’s a storm coming and water threatens to flood the room? There were other people and a bunch of small pets in the room that I just helped climb out, and I think they’re on their way to a safer place. Then I look back and see 3 more small animals. They seem to be tiny white horses. I walk back down the stairs to rescue them too. They’re small enough that I can hold all 3 of them in my hands, but as I pick them up, I realize they’re made of paper. They’re just slips of paper that have somehow been magically animated. They still seem alive though. They still seem to have individual “souls” of some kind. As I hold them, I can feel the paper softly brushing against my hands. I know I’m dreaming now, and the physical sensation seems very unusual and wonderful.

I realize the devil or a devil is down there in that basement too. I think he created the horses to try to keep me down there longer. He’s trying to trap me again, but I’ll keep fighting him. I’m also not going to abandon these amazing little horses just because he’s trying to use them to make me vulnerable to him. I hold the horses in my hands as I run away from here and find the place where my friends and the other animals have gone for safety. It’s a tall brick building. The upper exterior looks like a clock. I fly up to a balcony and go inside. There’s a big room here too, dry and well lit, full of furniture and shelves full of all kinds of things. I put the paper horses down on the ground, and they run around as if they’re alive, just like the other pets here. There are dogs, cats, and rabbits.

Everyone here seems safe, but I still worry about the devil chasing us. I fly outside to look around, then try to come back into this room. Outside are dark, narrow, winding city streets, with tall buildings flanking them. The space inside looks a little different now, maybe not as safe and comfortable, but I know places keep changing in dreams, so I tell myself this is the same place and we’re all still safe. I know the devil is still out there too somewhere. I can feel him still stalking me and trying to get me. I wake some time after this.

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My Soul Collage card for my “Devil”.  It represents depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

I’m trying to get ready this morning for another interview at 11 am, for a chemistry lab technician job. It would be a little closer and probably pay better than the one I interviewed for yesterday. – Wish me luck.

Can’t Sleep – too much worrying

Cant sleep meme

I have an interview tomorrow, but I can’t sleep because I keep thinking that even if I get a job now, I won’t have money to buy gas to drive to work.

One solution might be a part time call-center job, if I can still get that.

I’m also upset about my landlady coming back on Wednesday – though my roommate warned her not to bring her boyfriend’s dog because hers has contagious kennel cough. Maybe this will deter her a few days? She wants to clean out her bedroom here, so she can rent it to my roommate’s friend.

I was trying to sleep with the radio playing, but then dreamt of being in the house I grew up in. There were 3 small white puppies that should have been together in one place, but each was in a different place and none were being fed properly. One is in my Mom’s bathroom. One is out in the kitchen. One is in the middle bathroom. I talk to the one in the middle bathroom & ask him how many times I’ve fed him since he’s been here. He says twice. I think this isn’t even once a day, so he must be starving. He and the others are all so quiet & not complaining. I worry that I’m slowly starving them by not taking proper care of them.

Note: When I dream of trying to protect and take care of baby animals, I think this refers to a part of myself that isn’t getting adequate care and protection.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and took a bath. I don’t want to be the crazy roommate who takes baths at 2:30 am. I want to be employed in a good-paying, full-time job that I actually like and am capable of keeping.

 

Anxiety go away – pretty please with sprinkles

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I’ve spent a couple hours tonight wondering how to post an update while also getting distracted on Facebook. Maybe getting distracted was a good thing, because my anxiety did go down.

I want to explain how I’ve been feeling, but I don’t want my negativity to draw more negativity. Maybe a picture can be a kind of spell, so I picked this shiny gold spiral for my illustration – rather than one about how worried and anxious I’m feeling.

My interview this morning went fine. I have another tomorrow that I hope will go fine too.

On the opposite side, not having rent money is making me sick to my stomach with anxiety and dread. My landlady is supposed to come back on Wednesday. If I still don’t have money, I’ll want to run away and hide again. When I’m this upset, it’s hard to put in more job applications. I’m mostly focused on managing my emotions and not sliding into catastrophic thinking that could make me go suicidal. (I don’t have the means or will to do it anyway, but the thoughts alone are bad for me.)

Today I started worrying, what if I get this job an hour out of town and don’t have money for gas to drive there? What if I lose my home and have to live out of my car? I said I wanted the swing shift and would take the day shift as my second choice, but if I have to live out of my car because I don’t have a house to live in or money for gas, I thought maybe I could work the night shift and sleep in my car during the day? It’s safer to sleep in a car during the day than at night. It’s easier to find a safe place to park during the day, when cops or private security won’t chase you away. If I have to sleep in my car though, I won’t be able to take a shower and change my clothes easily, and my dog will have no place to live.

I want people who read this to understand how this anxiety feels, but I think my friends and family get annoyed with this kind of post. Last night I started freaking out that I wasn’t prepared for the interview questions this morning. ( I managed to read the 5 most important ones before the interview, so I was ready for them.) Last night I worried that my interview blouse should be blue instead of grey. ( I looked for a better blouse in a thrift store and discount store this afternoon, but none was better than the one I already have.) If I didn’t have this lack of rent money problem right now, I would not be freaking out like this, but lately this is making me kind of crazy.

I can cast all kinds of money spells – fast money, happy money, easy money spells – but they can’t work without a means for them to work. I’m not inclined to beg from strangers on a corner or to write bad checks or otherwise try to steal money. I sold some plasma today, but that was only worth $ 25, not the $ 300 I need. I want to earn my money, but even when I do get a new job, the money won’t come fast enough to pay my rent and phone/internet bill.

Money, money come to me.
As I say, so mote it be.

10 And given Free

Potions & Emotions

purple potion

I’ve still paid only half my October rent, so even though I’ve had a couple job interviews and have two more early next week, I’m struggling against supreme anxiety when I think of being confronted by my landlady.

I take about a third of the dose for St. John’s wort that’s suggested on the bottle. It says to take 2 capsules (300 mg),  3 times per day.  I usually take 1 capsule in the morning after breakfast and another at night before I go to bed. This is to help keep my anxiety and depression from spiraling out of control into catastrophic thinking. I don’t take anything else to relax except essential oils and herbal teas.

Lately I’ve also been taking hoodoo-style baths, some to draw money and some just to make me feel calm and spiritually protected. The lemongrass, lemon and rosemary bath I described in my previous post seems to work well. I’m using the same blend in a battery-powered diffuser at night.

The last three days I’ve gone to free events to get out of the house and be around a supportive group of witches and pagans. Thursday evening was their new moon ritual. Friday was a hoodoo class on “smelly stuff” (mostly incense). Yesterday was an informal  “Coffee and Conjure” class.

After the Thursday night ritual, we all took home small beeswax candles to burn for what we want to manifest. I don’t usually put much stock in interpreting candle drippings, but I think mine looked pretty good. (I’m trying to not discuss the details of spells that aren’t yet finished, so I’m not saying more on this.)

I was expecting my landlady to be home Saturday, so I was scared and upset yesterday about still not having the rest of her October rent money. It felt good to be able to spend a few hours in a safe place with supportive people at the “Coffee and Conjure” class. (When I was first homeless and went to another pagan gathering, one woman complained about the anxious energy someone was giving off, which made me feel like she only wanted to be around people who didn’t have serious problems in their lives.)

After the class, I went home to feed my dog, but still didn’t want to be here when my landlady came home, so I drove to the Sacramento Co-op and hung out there for a few hours. I bought a few bulk herbs for a relaxing tea and sat in the cafe area for hours, trying to feel safe and protected. I must’ve looked a little crazy, reading my tarot cards and drinking tea alone until 9 pm. I even sprinkled a little salt and pepper to the sides of my table for spiritual protection.

If you don’t experience extreme anxiety yourself, you probably won’t understand how I’ve been feeling. Luckily it’s not constantly this bad, but sometimes I think, “I feel like I’m dying”. Then I remind myself this is just a symptom of my anxiety. I’ve learned that going away from the house is better than hiding in my room, but sometimes I still go into my room and lock my door. In colder weather, I may wear a hoodie when I feel overwhelmed, so I can feel like I can block out some of the world around me. When my other roommate and her boyfriend are here, I may put on headphones and watch YouTube videos in my room.

Obviously, this is not an ideal emotional state for going on job interviews, so I’m trying to compartmentalize my emotions and only allow myself to feel my anxiety on the weekend. By the time Monday comes around, I need to be able to drive an hour to Vacaville for a 10 am interview, then act confident and professional. Tuesday morning I have another interview an hour away in the opposite direction. Thank God my landlady probably won’t be here, so I won’t have to think about dealing with her on these days.

Spiritually I’m also compartmentalizing my immediate need for rent money vs. my more important need for a good job. I’ve basically given the job of getting October rent money to St. Expedite, and as I said in my previous post, he still needs to finish that job. Meanwhile, my work on getting a good job is a reasonable split between putting out applications online, doing a little magic work, then dressing appropriately and trying to put forward a good face for my interviews.

I’d rather not have to drive more than 30 minutes to work, so I’m worried the job in Vacaville may not be ideal. It doesn’t pay that well either, but they’re hiring a lot of people to pick up production for a plant that was destroyed by the recent hurricanes , so my chances of getting hired are probably pretty good.

Last night and this morning I drank a homemade tea of chamomile, St.John’s wort, spearmint, basil, and rosemary. Chemically, chamomile is mildly relaxing, St, John’s wort is a mild serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, spearmint tastes good, and rosemary helps reduce headaches. Magically, chamomile draws money and happiness, St. John’s wort dispels evil spirits, spearmint and basil are protective and draw money, and rosemary helps with mental abilities and is also strongly protective.

I think the chemical qualities of herbs have much to do with their traditional magical qualities, but I think there is also a spiritual quality to things that goes beyond science. Maybe it comes from the connections we humans have made with them in our collective consciousness over the centuries. Maybe it comes from the magical doctrine of signatures or where a plant grows in relation to it’s environment and other plants. In any event, there is more to Life than just molecules and scientifically proven forces. Science is real and should never be ignored, but I believe the elusive qualities of magic are also real and can also be utilized to one’s benefit.

I’ve got emotions moving like ripples in a stream though my brain, but I’ve also got potions to try to calm them down. It doesn’t matter to me whether the potions are based in science or traditional healing and magic.  It doesn’t matter to me if they work because of chemistry, magic or psychosomatic belief. What matters to me is whether they help me get through a rough day, week, month or year in my life.

DIY – Calming bath salts

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You don’t need to spend a lot of money to make witchy things.  Our ancestors didn’t buy special tools and ingredients. They used what they had, what they had learned, and the knowledge and intuition that came to them.

I’ve been really stressed over not having enough money for rent and not having a new job yet, so I wanted to make some simple bath salts to help me feel calm and protected. One of my main goddesses has an ocean aspect, so I decided to use a sea shell for my mixing bowl, then tint with blue food coloring. Some traditions of hoodoo use colored baths for different purposes. I believe this helps on a psychological as well as a spiritual level. Blue is for protection, so blue it is.

First I bought a box of sea salt at a discount store for $ 1.  Himalayan pink salt can work too, but as I said, I’m trying to evoke a goddess with an ocean aspect. Previously I used a few drops of a store-bought relaxing blend of essential oils, which works fine, but this time I followed my intuition and used lemongrass (9 drops), lemon (9 drops) and rosemary (6 drops). Lemongrass is calming, but also works magically for opening roads. Lemon is uplifting, but also works magically for cleansing. Rosemary helps with memory and headaches (which I had from worrying), and is also magically protective. I didn’t realize when I put these 3 essential oils into my salt, that rosemary is supposed to help with headaches, but as soon as I smelled it, my headache went away. Then I read in a herbal book that it’s supposed to be good for headaches, so it does work.

I used about 2 tablespoons of sea salt, then added 3 drops of blue food coloring, 9 drops of lemongrass, 9 drops of lemon, and 6 drops of rosemary.

Stir with a spoon or your finger. Pour this into a warm bath. Stir the water clockwise with your dominant hand while evoking spiritual protection. Draw a protective sigil on the top of your bath water. ( I used the rune Algiz, but you could also use a cross or a peace sign, whatever means protection for you.) Get in, soak in the bath for a while, then pour the water over your arms, back of your neck, back, face, chest, stomach and legs. I think it’s better to get out of the water before letting it drain out. Be sure to rinse or clean the bathtub after you get out. You don’t want a blue ring around the bathtub.

After I used this bath salt, I felt amazingly relaxed and spiritually protected. I slept fantastically and still felt relaxed and protected the next morning.

It probably helped me that I’d had a pretty good experience with testing for a new job that day and was going to interview for another the next day. It also probably helped that I used the same essential oils in a battery-powered diffuser when I slept. At any rate, this blend worked for me.

 

You can make your own bath salts the same way.

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons Sea Salt (or Himalayan salt or table salt)

something to mix in – a bowl, tea cup, sea shell or whatever

spoon to mix with (optional)

relaxing essential oils – lavender, chamomile, rose, lemongrass, lemon, rosemary, spearmint, frankincense, etc.  Vanilla extract works too. Don’t mix too many different oils together. I prefer 3, 5, or 7.

3 drops food coloring. (Use 1 -2 drops of red for pink water.)

Note: Red is for passion or energy, but may also increase anger.

Pink is for love.

Orange is for energy or concentration.

Yellow is for attraction (physical or wealth).

Green is for abundance (money or health).

Blue is for protection.

Purple is for power (especially spiritual or magical).

Update – Rent Money & Job Interviews

Job Interviews

I picked the picture above because it’s at least racially diverse, despite the white man being the only one who looks confident. Since young white men tend to have a hiring advantage, he probably has good reason to look confident and happy.

Anyway, on to my real post….

I’m struggling to get rent money this month and probably for November too. If any of my friends and family are willing to lend me money for rent, I’ll greatly appreciate it. I did a petition to St. Expedite to get rent money, but so far he’s only delivered half of what I needed. I’m having mixed feelings toward him as a result. I have to give him credit though for getting me half of what I needed, by my former roommate lending me $ 250 and my current roommate paying me $ 40 for watching her Rover dogs for a few days. It seems a bit unfair to give credit to a spirit for work I had to do myself, but I suppose he did help in some ways.

I’ve been putting out resumes pretty much every day.

This morning I drove an hour and a half to an orientation and screening test for a temp job in another city. The group of applicants was very diverse, which I view as a good sign. I did fine on the first test. I probably got 100%. I couldn’t take the 2nd test there because their computers weren’t hooking up to the network, but I took it at home from a link sent to my email and did fine on it too. – The problems with this job are that it wouldn’t start until mid November and the long commute might be too much for my car.

I was too nervous to eat breakfast this morning, but I stopped at Burger King for a small, cheap lunch. While I was there, I got another call from a staffing agency for an opening in my old company. This is the same job I keep getting calls for and keep telling them I can’t go back to work there. This time I thought, what the heck, go ahead and put in my resume, even though they’re highly unlikely to want to hire me back.

I’m so desperate for work right now that I also put in my resume for a part-time minimum wage job making ear candles.  I thought that might be a little interesting, since they use essential oils and I know a bit about making stuff with essential oils.

Instead of coming straight home today, I went to the local library first to check my email. A guy next to me was annoying, so I couldn’t stay long. I came home to see that my landlady had left town again, so I felt safe being here at home. I’ve only paid half the rent for October, so of course I want to avoid her when she’s here.

Feeling so much anxiety, I pulled out a nicely scented black candle to eat my anxiety. In the past, I’ve found that I when I was feeling extremely and irrationally angry, I could pour my anger into a black candle, and that would make my anger go down. Apparently this works for anxiety too, though it probably helps that this candle smells like sandalwood and frankincense – both calming scents.

This afternoon I also got a call for another interview tomorrow. Wish me luck on this one. It’s only a 10 minute commute and should pay pretty well. It’s for QC technician for a dairy product company.

 

…Oh yeah, I also got to see Blade Runner 2049, which I loved. I’d been wishing I could see it, but thought I wouldn’t be able to spend the time and money when I’m struggling to make rent money and get a job. Then last Thursday I was on Craigslist looking for a job and decided to look at their Free Stuff section. Someone posted free tickets to Blade Runner 2049 at the IMAX theater downtown. I thought this must be a sign that I need to get these tickets, so I did. – Actually it was only one ticket and I had to pay $ 14.50 for parking, but it was a great movie and I felt like my Dad was there watching it with me. Of course I cried because of that, but I felt like it was kind of cathartic and necessary for me, so that was good. I prayed for him to help me survive right now, and I think he’s probably trying to look out for me and help me where he can.