How My Writer Mind Works in a Lucid Dream

interior of bus

This is my dream from this morning. Note that when I use brackets [ ] this means I’m making commentary after I’ve woken and am recording the dream.

 

Vampire Hunter (a dream segment)

I’m on a bus with other people. I seem to be seeing this scene from the front of the bus, then switching between this perspective and that of a young woman sitting at a front seat. The central character is this young woman, athletic-looking, quiet and intense, dark hair, probably in a braid or short. She’s wearing a leather jacket and maybe matching leather pants. The jacket is dark reddish-brown, the color of dried blood. The bus is driving through a city. She sits at a front seat, opposite side to the driver. [This needs to be the driver’s side for a story.] There’s an older woman, a kid and a man on the bus too, maybe 3 or 4 other people besides her.

The bus stops to let on another passenger. He gets on at the center door instead of at the front. [This is on the driver’s side but would be opposite the driver in real life. The woman needs to be behind the driver in order to have the best view of him.] She watches him carefully. He’s youngish, tall and thin, wearing nondescript clothes, maybe a T-shirt – black, not white – and dark jeans. He’s white with short hair, looks dangerous, like a potential trouble-maker. The other passengers don’t pay much attention to him, but she does. She watches him intently.

He doesn’t seem to notice or care. He doesn’t leave the steps by the middle door as the doors close and the bus moves again. He looks toward the driver then changes his demeanor, like a predator about to strike. He looks like a vampire now, and is about to attack the closest passenger. He’s planning on killing everyone inside the bus and feeding on them. He’s part of an vampire gang. This is a world in which gangs of vampires have become a constant danger.

The woman quickly takes out a weapon and fires it at him. It’s not a gun, but fires a wooden or metal bolt into his chest. Then she leaps over to him and finishes him off. The other passengers are all panicking and screaming for a few minutes, then they’re in shock, then the driver is thanking the woman for saving them. She doesn’t stay around to wait for the police or other authorities. She gets off the bus and goes out of the city.

She goes to a camp outside of the city. The ground is flat, a clearing with oak trees around it and a few big boulders, like in the California foothills. There are other people here too. One is a man who is her friend and a fellow fighter. He has short blond hair and wears maybe a white T-shirt and jeans [and probably boots too]. There is a white awning over one area that could be a kitchen or other work area of some kind. There is also a small pen, man-sized. [It would have to metal to be strong enough.] There are also a couple of tents.

The woman goes over to the pen first. Is there a male captive in it? Maybe she puts a man in it? Maybe she didn’t kill the vampire on the bus and puts him in it?She says something to the man, who is angry and combative.

Then she goes to her friend and asks him how things are going. He says they’re going good and he invented something new for their fight. Maybe it’s a new kind of weapon?

[I’ve known since I first saw the vampire on the bus that she’s a vampire too, but nothing yet makes this obvious. Her friend the inventor is also a vampire. They’re part of a group that’s fighting the bad vampires who are attacking people. My point of view is partly as her, but keeps shifting to outside of her too.]

A middle aged or older woman has followed me up here. I keep thinking of her as my mother, but maybe she just reminds me of my mother? She doesn’t know that I’m a vampire, that some of us in this camp are vampires, and that we’ve been fighting the monster vampires. I’m going to have to tell her soon, but I want to wait until she can tell we’re the good guys. I tell her to stay away from the guy in the pen. She’s too curious for her own good and not careful enough. She doesn’t know yet how dangerous he is.

Now my consciousness moves out of the woman and I seem to be watching from the middle of the camp, at a spot where I can see all the characters. I say seeming to another woman, ” I love how I’m watching my characters and paying attention to what they say and don’t say. She hasn’t yet said anything to the woman about the captive guy being a vampire,…and that’s important.” I linger here at this perspective and wonder which character I’ll find myself inside next. I think I could enter the perspective of any of these people if I wanted, but right now I’m enjoying watching them and not actively directing them. I watch as the central character woman walks out of a small cave that functions as a shelter for their people, then down a short dirt path into the middle of the camp, a little ways in front of me. Then I feel myself back inside her.

I’m talking with my friend the inventor. I look at a mountain in the distance. [This is what I’d call a small mountain, not like the Sierras.] It’s brown like dry dirt and shaped kind of like an upturned tea cup, but a little pointier. My friend says the bad vampires are there on that mountain. I say, “But it’s diurnal.” I think maybe those vampires don’t go out during the day and only hunt at night. Yet we’re obviously out during the daylight even though we’re vampires. I’m trying to sort out how a “diurnal” mountain is important, because this seems important somehow. Did the attack on the bus happen at twilight? Do the other vampires hide inside a cave during the day? I’m starting to adjust the story so the other vampires are not active during the day, but this doesn’t really make sense and may not be necessary.

I wake at this point.

 

 

 

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My Ancestor Altar (Soul Collage Cards)

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My mother isn’t actually dead, but she’s not the person she used to be. Alzheimer’s has slowly eaten away at her brain for the last ten years, so now her mind is like that of an infant. As my Soul Collage card for Mom shows, ours was often a strained and difficult relationship, though we had some fun times too. I admired her for her independence, strength, resilience, humor and “joie de vive”.

My relationship with my father was better, despite him being married to another woman other than my mother and how he abandoned me after I graduated from collage. He looked after me after school when I was younger, helped me do my homework, read with me, taught me how to ride a bike and swing a bat. He taught me a love for science and logic, as well as for keeping an open mind about hidden creatures and paranormal phenomena. He gave me my allowance and bought me ice cream when I got good grades. He shared with me the poetry he wrote about fallen comrades in WWII. When he left, he gave me the items he’d kept in a safe deposit box while I was growing up, including a little poem he wrote about me as a small child.

I put a cup of coffee with lots of sugar and milk in it on my ancestor altar for him today. Next to that I put 3 butterscotch candies. He liked coffee candy too. Maybe because he grew up during the Great Depression, he learned to add as much cream and sugar into his coffee as he could? He had a harder childhood than my mother did, but she also had her share of hardships. He was named after an earlier sibling who had died in infancy.  He always hated that, because he felt like the “ghost” of that other child made it hard for him to be his own person when he was young. He used to do his homework in the local pool hall, because there was too much yelling and noise at home. He hung out at the local brothel and was sent to buy little necessities for the prostitutes, because they weren’t allowed on the proper side of town. He probably left home pretty young to make his way in the world. He never said much about his father, who I gather wasn’t very nice, but he loved his mother, who was probably kinder.

I used to have a few black and white pictures he gave me of himself as a baby, his mother, himself as a young man, and the house he was born in, but they were all lost when I became homeless last year. I have a few other pictures of him with me as a young child that I rescued from my mother’s house before the squatter took it over and changed the locks.

I have a picture of my sister and her boys on my altar. She has them to mourn her and think fondly of her. My father probably only has me.

I have a picture of my dear wolf-dog Tasha, my “fur-daughter”, who was the closest I’ll ever have to a child of my own.

These are the 3 passed-over relatives I think of most often, though I sometimes think of  my mother’s aunts and parents too. Her mother died when I was a baby, so I only know her from the stories my mother told about her.

Once she sent my mother out to pick a bucket full of cherries for a pie. My Mom thought she couldn’t fill the whole bucket, so she put dirt in the bottom and cherries on top. When my grandmother dumped the bucket out into the sink, my mother ran, thinking she’d get in trouble. My grandmother just laughed though, realizing my mother hadn’t meant any harm. My mother said her mother often cried, so I suspect she suffered from depression. She said she was thankful for her wonderful children though, so I imagine she was a pretty good mother.

My mother and my sister took their middle names from my grandmother. When I was born, my mother gave me my sister’s name for my middle name. My grandmother complained that I should have been named after her too, because a child is supposed to be named after their grandparents, not after their siblings. My mother laughed and said, “You already have 2 named after you.” I’m glad I was named after my sister, but I used to think that if I ever had a daughter, I would name her after my grandmother to continue her remembrance.

On my mother’s side of the family, I’ve always felt like the “throw-away child”. My mother put my sister’s and brother’s names on our great family tree,  but she never put mine on it. My mother used to tell me that she thought my father had a son by another woman, but he never spoke of any other children, so I think I was probably his only child and the end of his line.

I think he tries to look after me now, so I don’t feel quite so alone.

Running Out of Time?

Hourglass

I expect my landlady may show up tomorrow and try to hand me a 3 day notice. She sent a copy of one to my roommate to give me today, but if it’s dated for tomorrow, that’s probably not legal. I didn’t respond to her text notice last night, and I don’t think sending a text like that is legally binding anyway.

I  filled out online forms for my new job today, the one that doesn’t start until November 28. I also talked to a hiring manager who’s interested in hiring me for my old job at the company that’s now under new ownership. That would be closer and probably easier, if my old supervisor wouldn’t stop them from rehiring me.

Almost all the tarot readings I’ve done for myself or that others have done for me say everything’s going to be fine, Success is either here or right on the horizon, but I still need money that I don’t have. One guy did one reading for me with the 5 of Pentacles (Poverty and Suffering) in the future, but that card was pretty much the exception from the rest of the reading.

My roommate wants me to talk to our landlady and explain to her that I’m about to get a job and rent money. I feel like I want to hide from her until I have the money to hand to her.

The job in Vacaville scares me, mostly because the company is so strict, but also because the long drive might be hard on my car and the long hours might be hard on me.

Taking my old job seems easier, but every time I dreamt of going back there to work as a temp, the same management problems from before were still a problem. In my dreams, I always leave thinking I don’t have to work there anymore and it’s not my fault that they’re still so messed up. In “real life” people seem to be leaving that company like rats leaving a sinking ship, so I don’t think that’s actually a secure job either.

I wish I could get something NOW, to start Monday or sooner, so I can pay my rent and other expenses that will hit next week.

I sold plasma this morning and put $20 of that $25 into gas money. New California gas taxes hit tomorrow, so I wanted to fill up my tank today. I can get another $30 for selling more plasma on Friday or Saturday, but I can’t continually give twice a week, because my blood protein levels would drop too low.

I Got the Job in Vacaville, but…

'Way to go! You too, way to go!' It was true. They both had a way to go.

…it won’t start until the last week of November. I still need money for the rest of my October rent, my phone & internet, gasoline, and November rent. EBT (food stamps) will cover my food, and I can probably shoplift a bag of kibble for my dog.

I’m still hoping to get temp work for November. What good is a job offer, if I can’t answer my phone or drive to work because I can’t pay my phone bill or buy gasoline?

I need to get new glasses too, so I can see better at my job, but I don’t have money for that either.

A Devil & Paper Horses – part 2 (dream interpretation)

40217317 - white orlov trotter horse in rye, golden sunset

The Devil in tarot can represent being bound by addictions. For me it represents depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s the force that tries to destroy me, the self-destructive force which I have to continually fight against.

According to this page – http://www.spiritanimal.info/horse-spirit-animal/ ,

The horse spirit animal symbolizes personal drive, passion and appetite for freedom. Among all the spirit animals, it is one that shows a strong motivation that carries one through life. The meaning of the horse varies depending on whether this animal spirit guide is represented as wild, tamed, moving freely or constrained.

Horse spirit animals are likely to represent your inner strength and driving force in life. A typical symbolism for the horse is one of an animal representing physical strength, vitality, but also our psychological or emotional ability to go on in life.

Depending on what this spirit animal means to you, it could symbolize your ability to overcome obstacles in life and pursue your goal no matter what may stand on your way.

According to psychologist Carl Jung, horses symbolize natural forces mastered by human beings. Just like we harness a horse to ride it or use its power, we can harness our own energy or nature’s to serve us and bring us further.

A horse spirit animal, especially when it appears to you in a dream, is likely to represent your energy or drive to express your authentic self and succeed in life. This spirit animal could also be a reflection of how well you deal with your primitive desires and urges, whether you live with them in harmony or if they are difficult to control.

If your horse spirit animal appears to you in a bad dream as a weak or suffering animal, it could characterize a mental or emotional state you experience in your waking life. If the horse is mistreated or suffers in the dream, your animal spirit guide could warn you to take your needs seriously before you’re going deep in trouble.

Such an image is likely a call to consider what supports you and brings your energy and joy in life as opposed to confining yourself into limiting beliefs or other people’s expectations. For instance, look at constructive ways to support others while taking into account your own needs.

White is associated with elevating your mood or spiritual aspirations; the white horse is a symbol for developing awareness of your instincts and intuition. [End quote]

For me, the 3 white paper horses are a direct corollary to the 3 white puppies in the previous dream. The puppies represented my child-like vulnerable side that needs to be protected, but is in some way being neglected and starved.

The paper horses may represent writing, as well as the antidote to the negative thinking which the devil symbolizes. In some way this negativity creates my desire to write, and thus to harness and transform my negative emotions into something positive and aspirational.  The Devil in Tarot is not entirely negative, but is rather something that challenges us to overcome it’s negative aspects, while incorporating it’s life-affirming positive aspects. Horses represent a similar kind of physicality and life-affirmation, but controlled and thus without the negative side that the Devil represents. The color white further emphasizes positive spirituality.

In the earlier dream with the puppies, the one told me it was in need of nurturing. In this later dream from the same night, I helped rescue the vulnerable pets, then went back to rescue the paper horses – symbolizing my desire to live and create meaning and purpose in my life.

The clock tower building represents time somehow – either the pressure of time or learning through time? – Note also that I’m not alone in this fight against the devil, but have the help of some friends or a kind of community of like-minded people. Battling this devil is my own fight, however, even though I have their help in establishing a place where we can all feel safe.

Why are there multiple pet animals? Just now I’m reminded of the animal spirits called daemons in the book, The Golden Compass. Perhaps they represent the daemon spirits of the other people too?

 

 

A Devil & Paper Horses – part 1 (a dream)

origami horse

I’m writing this dream here instead of in my dream journal. It’s an anxiety nightmare.

I’m looking over a big dark room below me, like a basement full of clutter. I’m standing at the top of these stairs after just climbing out of the room myself. Maybe there’s a storm coming and water threatens to flood the room? There were other people and a bunch of small pets in the room that I just helped climb out, and I think they’re on their way to a safer place. Then I look back and see 3 more small animals. They seem to be tiny white horses. I walk back down the stairs to rescue them too. They’re small enough that I can hold all 3 of them in my hands, but as I pick them up, I realize they’re made of paper. They’re just slips of paper that have somehow been magically animated. They still seem alive though. They still seem to have individual “souls” of some kind. As I hold them, I can feel the paper softly brushing against my hands. I know I’m dreaming now, and the physical sensation seems very unusual and wonderful.

I realize the devil or a devil is down there in that basement too. I think he created the horses to try to keep me down there longer. He’s trying to trap me again, but I’ll keep fighting him. I’m also not going to abandon these amazing little horses just because he’s trying to use them to make me vulnerable to him. I hold the horses in my hands as I run away from here and find the place where my friends and the other animals have gone for safety. It’s a tall brick building. The upper exterior looks like a clock. I fly up to a balcony and go inside. There’s a big room here too, dry and well lit, full of furniture and shelves full of all kinds of things. I put the paper horses down on the ground, and they run around as if they’re alive, just like the other pets here. There are dogs, cats, and rabbits.

Everyone here seems safe, but I still worry about the devil chasing us. I fly outside to look around, then try to come back into this room. Outside are dark, narrow, winding city streets, with tall buildings flanking them. The space inside looks a little different now, maybe not as safe and comfortable, but I know places keep changing in dreams, so I tell myself this is the same place and we’re all still safe. I know the devil is still out there too somewhere. I can feel him still stalking me and trying to get me. I wake some time after this.

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My Soul Collage card for my “Devil”.  It represents depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

I’m trying to get ready this morning for another interview at 11 am, for a chemistry lab technician job. It would be a little closer and probably pay better than the one I interviewed for yesterday. – Wish me luck.

Can’t Sleep – too much worrying

Cant sleep meme

I have an interview tomorrow, but I can’t sleep because I keep thinking that even if I get a job now, I won’t have money to buy gas to drive to work.

One solution might be a part time call-center job, if I can still get that.

I’m also upset about my landlady coming back on Wednesday – though my roommate warned her not to bring her boyfriend’s dog because hers has contagious kennel cough. Maybe this will deter her a few days? She wants to clean out her bedroom here, so she can rent it to my roommate’s friend.

I was trying to sleep with the radio playing, but then dreamt of being in the house I grew up in. There were 3 small white puppies that should have been together in one place, but each was in a different place and none were being fed properly. One is in my Mom’s bathroom. One is out in the kitchen. One is in the middle bathroom. I talk to the one in the middle bathroom & ask him how many times I’ve fed him since he’s been here. He says twice. I think this isn’t even once a day, so he must be starving. He and the others are all so quiet & not complaining. I worry that I’m slowly starving them by not taking proper care of them.

Note: When I dream of trying to protect and take care of baby animals, I think this refers to a part of myself that isn’t getting adequate care and protection.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and took a bath. I don’t want to be the crazy roommate who takes baths at 2:30 am. I want to be employed in a good-paying, full-time job that I actually like and am capable of keeping.