I’ve still paid only half my October rent, so even though I’ve had a couple job interviews and have two more early next week, I’m struggling against supreme anxiety when I think of being confronted by my landlady.
I take about a third of the dose for St. John’s wort that’s suggested on the bottle. It says to take 2 capsules (300 mg), 3 times per day. I usually take 1 capsule in the morning after breakfast and another at night before I go to bed. This is to help keep my anxiety and depression from spiraling out of control into catastrophic thinking. I don’t take anything else to relax except essential oils and herbal teas.
Lately I’ve also been taking hoodoo-style baths, some to draw money and some just to make me feel calm and spiritually protected. The lemongrass, lemon and rosemary bath I described in my previous post seems to work well. I’m using the same blend in a battery-powered diffuser at night.
The last three days I’ve gone to free events to get out of the house and be around a supportive group of witches and pagans. Thursday evening was their new moon ritual. Friday was a hoodoo class on “smelly stuff” (mostly incense). Yesterday was an informal “Coffee and Conjure” class.
After the Thursday night ritual, we all took home small beeswax candles to burn for what we want to manifest. I don’t usually put much stock in interpreting candle drippings, but I think mine looked pretty good. (I’m trying to not discuss the details of spells that aren’t yet finished, so I’m not saying more on this.)
I was expecting my landlady to be home Saturday, so I was scared and upset yesterday about still not having the rest of her October rent money. It felt good to be able to spend a few hours in a safe place with supportive people at the “Coffee and Conjure” class. (When I was first homeless and went to another pagan gathering, one woman complained about the anxious energy someone was giving off, which made me feel like she only wanted to be around people who didn’t have serious problems in their lives.)
After the class, I went home to feed my dog, but still didn’t want to be here when my landlady came home, so I drove to the Sacramento Co-op and hung out there for a few hours. I bought a few bulk herbs for a relaxing tea and sat in the cafe area for hours, trying to feel safe and protected. I must’ve looked a little crazy, reading my tarot cards and drinking tea alone until 9 pm. I even sprinkled a little salt and pepper to the sides of my table for spiritual protection.
If you don’t experience extreme anxiety yourself, you probably won’t understand how I’ve been feeling. Luckily it’s not constantly this bad, but sometimes I think, “I feel like I’m dying”. Then I remind myself this is just a symptom of my anxiety. I’ve learned that going away from the house is better than hiding in my room, but sometimes I still go into my room and lock my door. In colder weather, I may wear a hoodie when I feel overwhelmed, so I can feel like I can block out some of the world around me. When my other roommate and her boyfriend are here, I may put on headphones and watch YouTube videos in my room.
Obviously, this is not an ideal emotional state for going on job interviews, so I’m trying to compartmentalize my emotions and only allow myself to feel my anxiety on the weekend. By the time Monday comes around, I need to be able to drive an hour to Vacaville for a 10 am interview, then act confident and professional. Tuesday morning I have another interview an hour away in the opposite direction. Thank God my landlady probably won’t be here, so I won’t have to think about dealing with her on these days.
Spiritually I’m also compartmentalizing my immediate need for rent money vs. my more important need for a good job. I’ve basically given the job of getting October rent money to St. Expedite, and as I said in my previous post, he still needs to finish that job. Meanwhile, my work on getting a good job is a reasonable split between putting out applications online, doing a little magic work, then dressing appropriately and trying to put forward a good face for my interviews.
I’d rather not have to drive more than 30 minutes to work, so I’m worried the job in Vacaville may not be ideal. It doesn’t pay that well either, but they’re hiring a lot of people to pick up production for a plant that was destroyed by the recent hurricanes , so my chances of getting hired are probably pretty good.
Last night and this morning I drank a homemade tea of chamomile, St.John’s wort, spearmint, basil, and rosemary. Chemically, chamomile is mildly relaxing, St, John’s wort is a mild serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, spearmint tastes good, and rosemary helps reduce headaches. Magically, chamomile draws money and happiness, St. John’s wort dispels evil spirits, spearmint and basil are protective and draw money, and rosemary helps with mental abilities and is also strongly protective.
I think the chemical qualities of herbs have much to do with their traditional magical qualities, but I think there is also a spiritual quality to things that goes beyond science. Maybe it comes from the connections we humans have made with them in our collective consciousness over the centuries. Maybe it comes from the magical doctrine of signatures or where a plant grows in relation to it’s environment and other plants. In any event, there is more to Life than just molecules and scientifically proven forces. Science is real and should never be ignored, but I believe the elusive qualities of magic are also real and can also be utilized to one’s benefit.
I’ve got emotions moving like ripples in a stream though my brain, but I’ve also got potions to try to calm them down. It doesn’t matter to me whether the potions are based in science or traditional healing and magic. It doesn’t matter to me if they work because of chemistry, magic or psychosomatic belief. What matters to me is whether they help me get through a rough day, week, month or year in my life.