17 (3 dreams)

17 I’m probably wasting time by making this post, so I’ll try to keep it short. I need to be checking email and putting out job applications. I noticed the number 17 in a recent dream, though, and it was in two of my dreams again this morning. A friend on Facebook also posted that her son will be turning 17 soon. Maybe somebody wants me to remember this number? (I was also feeling stressed, and writing relaxes me and makes me feel happy.)

In my earlier dream, I go to see Katrhin (my previous landlady/ friend). She’s living in a small, old, white-painted house that’s owned by another woman who owns a larger house on the same property. (This is like a place she stayed in while on vacation in Fort Bragg.) She’s trying to figure out how to furnish this house, which has several rooms. I want to stay here with her, but I don’t think she really wants me here. I keep thinking I just need one little room with a bed and access to a bathroom. I pick a room to be mine.

A tall, attractive, middle-aged man comes into the house. He seems nice. I want him to have a place here too. (He’s not like our old roommate who drove us both crazy.) There’s a sun room with a white or yellow couch in it. I think he can sleep there. Then Kathrin changes the sofa for a smaller one. Now it’s too short for the man, so if he sleeps there, either his feet will hang over or he’ll have to sleep curled up in a ball. While I want us to all have safe, comfortable places to sleep, I get the feeling she wants to live here by herself.

I check out the bathroom that’s between my room and the kitchen. It’s old, but there’s a functional sink and shower-bath. I don’t see a toilet, though, and tell Kathrin she’ll have to put one in. I think she must have her own bathroom somewhere and doesn’t want to bother with putting in a toilet here. I think this house situation isn’t going to resolve the way I want. I know I’m dreaming, but I think this is her house, so I can’t tell her what to do with it. (It’s like I’m invading her dream.)

[Note, plumbing problems in dreams symbolizes emotional problems for me. Not having a working toilet could symbolize not wanting to deal with emotional issues, while a toilet that backs up or won’t flush (such as I would dream of in the house I grew up in) symbolizes not dealing with emotional problems that really need to be dealt with.]

Kathrin goes out to the house of the other woman who lives on this property. I follow her. The lady in this house reminds me of one of my mother’s aunts, but she’s Kathrin’s friend in this dream. She has white hair and seems very nice. I go to use her guest bathroom to wash my hands. It has light pink tile. I use some hand lotion and seem to use too much of it. Later the woman asks me if I used her “eye wash” and says she’s missing alot of it. I think I did use some light lotion in a pink bottle that was probably expensive (like Kathrin’s aloe stuff that was good on sunburns). I’m not sure if the stuff I used was the same as the stuff that’s missing, because lotion wouldn’t be “eye wash”. I say I didn’t, though I feel like I probably did. (I wake here and go back to sleep.)

In a later dream, I meet my nephew Peter, who’s younger here. He’s about to start a new job that he’s excited about. I ask him how old he’ll be when he starts the job. He says 17. I say that’s a good time to start working. Then I remember he worked at Burger King when he lived with me and Mom, and I think he was in high school then. I ask him how old he was when he worked at Burger King and lived with us. He says 15. I say, “So this isn’t your first job.” He says no. I think this job he’s talking about now is about this moment in this dream, while the other was about waking-life reality and isn’t significant to this dream. I start to become conscious of waking-life reality, start to feel sad, and maybe realize that Peter wouldn’t really be friendly with me like he is in this dream? (Maybe I wake briefly and go back to sleep?)

In my last dream, I’m in a lab with other people. I think the dark-haired woman talking to 2 other lab workers is my supervisor. I’m with a younger woman who is also a new hire. We’re all wearing white lab coats. The lab is white too. I think I’m supposed to weigh out powdered hot chocolate, so the others can run some test with it. I ask my supervisor how much I need to weigh out. I can see a number across the room that looks like 100 and something, but I can’t see it clearly. She says, “17 grams”. I think, ok I can do that. I was worried I might mess up on something, but weighing out 17 grams of powdered chocolate seems ridiculously easy for lab work. The others are going to mix it with a liquid for a test [or an extraction?]. I wake after this. (Note this part might be about a lab job I spoke about on the phone with a recruiter from a temp agency, since that lab works with sugars and dairy products.)

 

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Overcoming Obstacles

PICT0665.JPG

This last week has been rough. I put out resumes online, went to an interview that had really hard chemistry questions for a lab with horrible reviews from previous employees, blew out my tire on the way home, had to get a ride to my bank so I could get my car repaired, let my landlady cheat me out of $ 100, sold my plasma for $ 45, got 2 decent used tires for $ 70, had the mechanic remove my front bumper so I can still drive, dealt with demanding dogs during 100+ degree heat, and cleaned up after my dog pooping on the living room carpet at 3 am last night.

Meanwhile, being sensitive to subtle energies and other peoples emotions means I have to sort out whether what I’m feeling is purely my own emotion, the emotions of people around me, some kind of precognition warning of “doom”, or a trick of my mind and brain chemistry. I had ugly feelings last night as I was writing my blog and early this morning when I first woke up. I stayed up late to finish my last blog post, then was cleaning up after my dog when my roommate came home at 3 am. Not having enough sleep last night means my serotonin levels are lower today, so it could be easier to feel miserable. One good thing yesterday was that when I started to feel anxiety, I could tell it was just coming from my own internal mental state. I wasn’t sensing any kind of precognitive warning. This morning too, after my initial feelings of anxiety passed, I felt a protective calm descend around me, as if my guardian spirits were trying to help me. It didn’t feel like it was just some trick of my brain, which I think that calm feeling has been sometimes in my past.

I still have hope that everything will turn out ok, even though anxiety and mood swings have plagued me this last week. Stress is the cause of course. Still, I feel like I’ll be ok. I was able to put out resumes, go to a job interview, talk on the phone about another job offer, get $ 45 for my plasma, get 2 tires replaced for $70, and get 2 books I wanted for cheap, even though I was going through all this drama and stress.

Here’s my Soul Collage card about facing and dealing with Obstacles:

30

Rough, stressful times feel kind of like this.

Magical Thinking (and 2 dream fragments)

Doloris -Westworld-episode-9

(from diary posts on Thursday, Aug 31)

My dog woke me around 2:45 am, wanting to go out. I’d been dreaming and thought it was probably a pretty stupid dream anyway, then realized it had some interesting bits.

In it, I’d just walked into a shop from outdoors. The items in the shop appear around me as I try to make sense of them. It’s a clothing store. I think the designer of these clothes is a woman, clever and innovative. My Dad is here with me. I try on first one, then another, historically-themed dress. The first might be late Victorian, but simplified, not historically accurate. The second is in a blue print that I think is an homage to Disneyland. When I put it on, I see it’s a pioneer-style.

I also put on a small pistol, attached to a chain hanging at my waist like a belt. My Dad doesn’t like that I have this gun. I say, “Why not? It’s not usable. It’s just decoration.” I think having this gun makes me look tough and like I can defend myself. – I wake at this point.

When I’m outside with the dogs and trying to make sense of this dream fragment, I think spontaneously, “These violent delights have violent ends.” I realize this is a reference to HBO’s Westworld and how Dolores is triggered to become violent. I say this phrase aloud to myself and realize I’ve used her accent in the show, the slightly southern prairie girl accent. I wonder if I was about to become like Dolores in my dream? The patterns on the blue dress might be a reference to the patterns I’ve been trying to sense and understand on a metaphysical level, or the ones Dolores is forced to repeat over and over, until she seemingly changes direction? Maybe my Dad also didn’t want me to have the gun, because it symbolizes when I wanted to kill myself?

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My landlady made a deal with me to take $ 10/ day off my rent because I was watching 2 little dogs for a friend of hers. On Tuesday, my left front tire blew out while I was driving back from a job interview. On Wednesday I asked my landlady to drive me to the bank, so I could move money from savings to checking for the repair and so I could give her my rent money. I handed her $300. Then she said, “I was thinking it should be $400, since I watched the dogs part of the time too.” She didn’t watch them for 10 days worth of watching them, but I didn’t feel like I could argue with her. I didn’t feel like I was in a position to defend myself, so I took out another $ 100 from my ATM and gave it to her. I didn’t even write a check for proof of what I paid her, like I usually do.

Feeling angry toward my landlady on Wednesday was starting to trigger vindictive feelings and thoughts of how I could get back at her. Maybe my dream was about to take on a Westworld theme, in which I play the role of Dolores in my blue prairie dress, so sweet and passive on the outside, but with a rage building inside as I recall all the abuse I’ve suffered? I was getting angry at Life for all the crap and hardship I’ve been through.

On Wednesday, after the trip to my bank, I had my landlady drop me off at the plasma center, so I could get $ 45 for having my blood pumped out, separated in a centrifuge, then having my blood cells and cold saline pumped back in.  The movie “Inception” was playing on the screens above the donor beds. I watched it in a strange state of mind. In the movie, the characters are in a dream world, with different levels, as they try to manipulate the mind of another man. As I watched it, I was feeling like physical reality isn’t fully real, like it’s just one level of reality.

I thought the level the gods work on is the level above our physical reality. Dream reality is one level. Cyberspace is one level. Virtual reality platforms like Second Life are another level. I thought that maybe when I’m doing effective spell work, I’m connecting to that upper level the gods work on. – I thought later that I often feel like I have one foot in normal reality and one in one of these other worlds, which is partly why I call myself Persephone.

The movie and my state of mind allowed me to have an altered state of consciousness in which I could easily imagine, visualize and sense my ideas. As I looked at the wall in front of me, I was able to visualize my favorite little beach in Fort Bragg. (Donors aren’t allowed to close their eyes for long while donating, in case they might fall asleep or pass out.)  I felt like I could sense and communicate with my Goddess here at this mentally imagined beach. Taking advantage of this altered state of consciousness, I decide to recite in my mind and mentally cast my favorite money spell. (This kind of mental magic is called Inner Temple work. Outer Temple work uses physical tools and rituals.)

When I recited the spell in my mind, I identified with the seed in the line, “As the rain upon the seed.” This line symbolizes money coming like rain falling upon a seed, a natural nourishing force. (Many people subconsciously think they don’t deserve money when they try to cast a money spell, which makes it not work. The wording of my spell evokes the sense of money being a natural force to which anyone is entitled – like the tide, rain, fruit growing on a tree, or honey made by bees.)

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Westworld does play homage to Disneyland, by the way, a place where our imagination becomes real, so we can play in it. In Westworld the dark turns of human imagination are allowed to run free. – “These violent delights have violent ends,” was a warning to me not to give in to the dark turnings of my own imagination. It was a warning not to become vindictive and spiteful, which was how I was starting to feel Wednesday night.

As a witch, when I feel angry toward someone I know pretty well, they sometimes have bad things happen to them, even if I don’t consciously try to hex them. I can’t say this to mundane people, because if they believe it even a little, they might feel afraid of me, which is not good. If they don’t believe it, they’ll think I’m weird and delusional, which isn’t good either. Some things are better left unsaid when trying to navigate living in both the mundane and the magical world.

After my landlady took more money than she should have from me for my rent, then dropped me off at the plasma center, she accidentally locked one of the little dogs I’d been watching in her bedroom. He tore up the carpet near her door while we were both out. When I got home, I heard him barking from her room and let him out. I thought, “Don’t piss off a witch,” and smiled in schadenfreude.

Normally people will say this was just a coincidence that she left the dog in her room and it damaged her carpet at the same time that I was angry with her. Yet, I’ve seen this same kind of thing happen before when I was angry with people. When it happens once, it’s easy to call it coincidence, but when it happens multiple times, there might be some underlying causal action.

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I had another dream later on Thursday morning. In it I’m poor and maybe homeless, since I’m pushing a shopping cart with my possessions in it. I’m still finding good things around me though. I come to a big public library and collect books that are being thrown out. They aren’t great, but I see some potential in them. I open one that seems to be in a foreign language and it’s all tables of these symbols I don’t understand. It seems like it’s for magical work of some kind. Maybe it’s in Arabic? Most of the other books are fiction. I put them in my shopping cart with a few other things I have.

I see Kathrin (my former landlady and friend). I go to talk with her, but she seems hostile toward me. She says the books I have are crap. I say they’re not very good, but they’re not that bad. Then she says I’m not even supposed to be here because she put out a restraining order against me after I was stalking her. [This is not from real life.]  I say I’m sorry and I won’t bother her anymore. She leaves. I go back into a library building behind me.

One of the librarians sees me and says I’m not supposed to be here because there’s a restraining order against me for the whole Sacramento public library system. She points out a green sign that says I’m supposed to stay 17 feet away from this building. I apologize and say I didn’t see that.

I go outside again and see the same kinds of green signs on the outside of the building. I move to a circular spot in the middle of the walkways between these buildings. The buildings are white marble. The walkways are lined with birch trees with light green and yellow leaves. The setting is very pretty. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not allowed to go to any libraries anymore, but I think I can still find books in other places. [This idea may come from when I found books lying on the ground at the grocery store parking lot, the free ones I found at a food closet, and the ones a lady gives away for free at our local farmers market.]

I woke feeling first sad, then angry. I never tried to stalk Kathrin, though she was probably afraid I might follow her to her new apartment, hex her, or say bad things about her. I think these 2 dreams came from my anger toward my roommate and current landlady for taking advantage of me, and my anger toward how Life has treated me. I felt like I wanted to lash out and hurt someone, but I was restraining myself. I don’t really want to hex anyone. The green restraining order signs refer to me retraining myself so I won’t hurt someone. I don’t know why the distance on them was precisely 17 feet. That might be a precognition about something that could make sense later. In this dream I’m being kept from one of my primary sources of power – access to knowledge. I still have nature around me as a secondary source of power though.

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Today (Friday, Sept 1st), I went to 2 used book stores this morning. Thinking back to the Dimple used book store on Broadway, near the Tower theater, the scene in this later dream might have been precognitive of my visit here. I didn’t find books being thrown out, but I did find an odd bunch of empty CD cases tossed out. The pathways in my dream crossed at a kind of crossroads point, and this intersection is definitely a crossroad. The trees in real life weren’t birch trees (symbolic of new beginnings), but there are plenty of trees and bushes here. At that store, I got a science fiction book for 65 cents, by using points on my Dimple VIP card. At the second store, I got a book on how to read horoscope natal charts, which is kind of like the magical book in my dream. It’s in English, but the astrological signs are kind of like a foreign language. It’s also a reference book with some tables and charts.

 

 

Recovery After The Storm – Tarot Spell

Tarot Spell - Recovery After Storm

I might use this spread for a tarot spell, but I was actually just exploring the symbolism of these cards together. They fit well for the last couple years of my life, but could also work for recovery after a hurricane or similar natural disaster. All of these cards from the Llewellyn Tarot deck refer to Welsh mythology and differ from the more common Rider-White-Smith deck in having more water in their imagery, which of course symbolizes emotion.

1. The Tower here refers to a tale in which a raging storm inundated a castle and village, turning the land into a lake, in punishment for the injustice and greed of the lord of the castle and his court. A traveling bard was playing at a drunken celebration at the castle, when a little bird warned him, saying “Vengeance, Vengeance”. The bard escaped to a high hill. Then the storm came and covered the castle, leaving no trace in the morning of the court or the castle.

The Tower represents destruction, upheaval & major change. It’s usually a bad card to get in a reading, unless your life needs a major shake-up.  If I were to use this spread for a spell, this card would represent all that I lost last year, my home, practically all my stuff, my best friend, and my sense of security and trust.

2. The Temperance card usually shows a woman pouring water from one pitcher into another, with one foot in a stream. In this deck, she represents the story of a city that was inundated and covered by a magical well when the priestess of the well failed to cover it at night. Instead of being drowned, though, she was turned into a mermaid, while her faithful dog was turned into an otter.

I especially like this card to represent me in this spread, because the mermaid-priestess and her dog remind me of myself and my dog. This card represents temperance, moderation, adaption, self-control, managing a volatile situation with calm, grace under pressure, healing, reflection, balance, a confident survivor, bridging two worlds, the successful mixing of opposites, visionary art, beneficial transformation, creating a nurturing environment, and finding inner peace.

3. The Chariot card in this deck shows Manawydan (son of Lyr, whose name means the sea). He is related to the Irish Manannan Mac Lyr and is one of the most admirable, evolved temperaments in Welsh mythology. He’s a skilled craftsman, a seasoned warrior, and a wise, patient, faithful and loving husband and step-father. He rides a self-propelled boat, which is said to ride across the waves, “as if the sea were a plain of flowers”.

The Chariot card represents a journey, success in a difficult or multifaceted endeavor, courage, competence, maturity, leadership, being centered and secure, a high-minded approach to life, balance and harmony, integration of opposing forces, control over inner and external conflicts, ambition, conquest, honors, life unfolding at an accelerated pace, yet being able to maintain direction and focus to achieve a goal. It can also represent a rescue (as from the cavalry). Once again water (which is not in most Chariot cards) here represents emotion, while the two horses represent being able to control opposing forces. I like this card to represent myself conquering my own emotional turmoil and all the forces around me, in order to get the job I want.

The cards in this spread move upward from left to right, indicating steps toward a higher, more secure, more prosperous, and more evolved position in one’s life. If I were to continue this spread to make it more specifically about getting a good job, I might add something like the following cards:

Tarot Job Spell 4

4. The Ace of Pentacles represents being offered a job. Pentacles represent money and material things. The Ace represents beginnings, news and offerings.

5. The 8 of Pentacles represents working competently and steadily at work one enjoys.

6. The 4 of Wands represents a secure, happy and stable home, but can also represent a secure, happy and stable workplace. The bridge crossing a stream in this picture, represents a transition from one state to another.

Get into the proper state of mind for casting a spell by doing whatever rituals you do for spell-casting. This might be casting a circle and evoking the guardians of the 4 directions or might be as simple as lighting a candle. Focus on each card in turn and say what you want it to do. End your spell with something like “So Mote It Be” or even “Amen”. Then thank and release your guardians, uncast your circle, or just blow out your candle.

Tarot Spell – Temperance & Control

Control Tarot Spell

I’m watching 6 dogs today as I work on this Tarot spell. One dog is about to be picked up. The four that don’t belong to me and my roommate are all males, and a couple aren’t neutered, so there is too much testosterone and dominating, aggressive energy among them. I put a few drops of lavender, lemongrass, a “Relax” essential oil blend, and hoodoo “Peace Water” in a small spray bottle with water. Then I spayed all the anxious and fighting male dogs to help calm them down.

I usually have a pretty calming energy myself, which helps calm dogs. When I get too irritated, I sometimes snap and yell at them, though. The little one who sometimes rolls in poo, I threatened to drown in the bathtub, but of course I wouldn’t really do that. I was experimenting to see if thinking this would change his behavior. That seemed to work on my old roommate’s dog when I threatened to kill her and eat her if she kept chewing up my underwear that was on my bedroom floor.

Anyway, I’ve been studying tarot cards and working on spells using them lately. I really like this Llewellyn Tarot deck, which is based on the Rider-White-Smith deck, but with illustrations based on Welsh mythology. The spell book I’m using for spread ideas is Tarot Spells, by Janina Renee. The books I’m using to interpret the cards are The Llewellyn Tarot Companion – by Anna-Marie Ferguson, The Witch’s Guide to Life – by Kala Trobe, and Tarot Wisdom – by Rachel Pollack. I’m also reading Instant Magic, by Christopher Penczak, and aligning this spell with some of his ideas,

The paradigm I use to explain how magic works is that everything is metaphysically connected because everything was created out of the same creative consciousness (which we call God). Metaphorically speaking, we’re all fingers on the hands of God, thinking we’re separate, when we really aren’t. Symbolic magic works because a symbolic representation of something is metaphysically connected to that thing and to all the ideas and forces that symbol represents. It also works because a symbol helps the magic caster focus on that thing, target, idea, deity or elemental force.

Tarot cards are complex and layered symbolic representations of ideas. Some of the symbols are widely understood to have fairly well established meanings, and are thus part of our human collective unconscious. Water, for instance, represents emotions and psychic abilities, so the suite of Cups in Tarot represents emotions and psychic abilities. Individual symbols on the cards have both broadly established meanings and individual, subjective meanings. These subjective meanings are particularity important in spell-casting with Tarot cards, because one taps into one’s own subconscious when forming and directing a spell. The established meanings of specific cards, as well as the subjective meanings of particular symbols or orientation of the figures on the cards all play into which cards to choose for casting a spell.

I’m female, so I prefer a card that signifies me in a spell spread to have a female figure on it. Sometimes several different cards could be used in the same position in a spell spread, so I’ll consider the gender of the figure on the card, the orientation of the figure toward other cards, the dominant colors in the card, and secondary figures or symbols on the card when selecting which card to use. All of these factors affect my subconscious when casting the spell, so they’re just as important as the established meanings of the card. In the spell spread above, Temperance provides my feminine aspect, so the spread feels to me like it’s about me. (It doesn’t hurt that she also has a white dog and is underwater, representing both emotions and the underworld).

I want a spell that helps me control my emotions and sometimes scattered thoughts, that helps me focus my thoughts and actions toward getting a job, rather than getting distracted by outside forces or internal emotions. Both Temperance and The Chariot have meanings that include controlling and harmonizing conflicting forces. Temperance is usually a less-active feminine figure, while The Chariot  is usually an active masculine figure. Since I want this spell to create action in my life, I’m setting the last card as an active card that represents (among other meanings) success in one’s pursuits. The Magician is a masculine card that represents (among other meanings) directing one’s intellect, magical Will, powers of communication and charm toward a goal.

In Instant Magick, Chris Penczak says the 3 basic parts of an effective spell are:

  1. Altering one’s consciousness (into one that allows us to tap into magical forces)
  2. Focusing one’s will (on the desired result)
  3. Directing magical energy (which I’ll call magical power) toward the desired result

Temperance in the first position can represent the first part of an effective spell, and also what I’ll call magical potential. It represents extremes that have been experienced and assimilated, diverse energies synthesized through temperance, opposites untied and balanced, Moderation, Balance, Self-Control, Adaptation, Bridging two worlds, Harmony, and Inner Peace. This is my ideal starting point in this spell.

The Magician in the second position represents focusing one’s mental powers and magical will toward the desired result. It represents being in control of oneself and of the elements, the ability to call upon higher forces, the ability to influence other people, the ability to translate will into effect, the ability to move strategically to attain one’s goals, Talent, Intelligence, Confidence, Skill, Communication, Eloquence, Charm, Persuasion, Influence, Leadership, Control, Purpose, and working in the Arts and Sciences. This is the card that represents movement from my initial state to my desired state.

The Chariot in the third position represents Directing magical power (partly from one’s own will, partly from the symbols on the cards, and partly from divine or elemental forces) toward the desired result of the spell. It represents controlling one’s emotions and inner conflicts, harnessing and directing conflicting forces, overcoming obstacles, opposition or conflict, swift action toward a goal, maintaining control of forces, rapid success in one’s endeavors, Journey, Progress, Force, Control, Willpower, Strength, Success, Victory, and what I’ll call Active Balance. This is the card that represents me controlling and directing both my internal and external forces, the desired outcome of the spell.

I could arrange the cards as if they’re steps going upward, but I don’t feel like this is necessary for me. Since I read from left to right, laying the cards from left to right also denotes movement in my desired direction.

As with any spell, one starts with establishing a calm and focused altered state of consciousness. This can be done by lighting a candle, reciting a chant, or some other simple ritual actions. This establishes a magical state distinct from normal consciousness, from which the spell can begin.

Next one focuses on what one wants to accomplish with the spell. I might focus on each card and say aloud what it means to me. Always say these things in the positive and present form. Say this is so, not that it might be or will be. This is because our subconscious works this way. Everything is in the present in our subconscious, and it doesn’t pay much attention to negatives such as “not” or “never” in affirmations.

One must imagine and believe that the spell will work/ is working. It doesn’t matter if the target of one’s spell knows about it or believes in it, but the spell caster needs to believe in his or her own power. Self-doubt can make a spell not work right, so at least while one is casting the spell, one needs to believe that it can and will work.

Finally one needs to end the spell. This can be done by saying “So Mote It Be”, which means “So may it be” or “So it is”. Extinguishing the candle one has lit is part of closing a spell, as is dismissing whatever powers or deities one has evoked. At this point one needs to ground back into normal reality and let go of worrying about whether the spell will work or not. It’s kind of like sending out a homing pigeon or raven (in Game of Thrones). The spell can’t do what it needs to do, if you keep calling it back. Just trust that it will do it’s thing. If it doesn’t work as intended, you can try another spell later.

 

Creator of The Spiral Path

Three of Pentacles 2

Creator of the Spiral Path is the name of the picture on the right. It’s one of my favorite Soul Collage pictures I’ve made, representing how we are the creators of our own lives, in a very positive and hopeful way.

The picture on the left is the Three of Pentacles from a Tarot deck I recently bought. Unlike the more common  Rider-White-Smith image for this card, the central figure is a woman sewing, rather than a man doing stonework for a Cathedral. Either way, the card represents skilled work, dedication, contentment, and possible spiritual growth. The birch tree represents new beginnings. The spiderweb represents connectedness. The infinity symbol represents eternity and eternal truths. This is the card I’m going to use for my significator in a tarot job spell I want to do. Not that I’m content now, but I want to be.  I want my skill set and experience to give me confidence as I try to get a new job. I want to do work I’m good at and comfortable doing. I want to feel safe and content. And I want to be paid fairly for my work.

Of course spirals can also have a negative connotation of  repeating old patterns. I hate this part of my life, feeling like it’s so hard to break out of negative thinking, bad habits, and ineffective behaviors. I’m fighting with these negative spirals lately, just as I’m also hopeful that I can create a better future for myself.

I wish I could write more that’s clever and uplifting, but I’m feeling depressed, so that’s too difficult right now.

Trapped 2

trapped-leaf

This is how I’m feeling lately. My mind is a mess, unfocused, easily distracted, sometimes anxious, but just as often calm. I feel like a leaf floating down a river. I keep getting caught in spots where I spin around in pointless circles, trapped behind some little rock or dead branch. A current catches me and moves me a little further, until I get caught in another trap.

I’m home most of the day, watching my dog and 5 others. My roommate watches dogs for pay, but I watch them more than she does and get paid nothing for my time. I’m also watching two little ones as a favor for my landlady, charging $ 10 per day, which I’ll take off my rent. Each dog individually is not much trouble, but 6 in one small house can be. They all vie for attention, with the potential for conflict. One of the little ones rolls in poo sometimes, then needs to be bathed. My Kaylee wants to keep them out of our room, or at least keep them from running past her and jumping onto my bed. She snarls and snaps at them, trying to terrify them, but doesn’t draw blood. I decided to watch how she feels about them, then take my cue from her as to whether I let each of them in or not. I realized that if I don’t set boundaries on these dogs, she will, so better I keep them out than for her to start fighting with them. Dogs will always seek better status in the household hierarchy, so as humans we need to be sure they know we’re the alphas of the pack.

My roommate has a new job she likes, but doesn’t have a car. She lost it for mysterious reasons. Not paying her car payment? Getting traffic tickets? I don’t know how someone can afford alcohol, weed, new clothes and a trip to Las Vegas, but can’t afford to make car payments or get her car out of impound. She’s a good person for the most part though, so I’ve been giving her rides to work and picking her up sometimes. I told her I want $ 5/ day for driving her, but she often “forgets” to pay me. She also “forgot” to pay me for the 6 pack of hard cider she and her boyfriend drank without asking me.  – I dreamt one morning that another friend wanted me to help her with some work instead letting me do my own. I realized after I woke that this was really about me doing too much for my roommate, when I should be doing more for myself.

Some days are so hot that I focus on keeping cool and getting drive-away chores done early in the day. When I get home, it’s hot and I’m tired, so I lie on my bed, listening to the radio, then sometimes dozing off. I get up to watch the news, then maybe a TV show. I don’t spend enough time on my job search. I worry that I don’t have enough high-speed data on my hot-spot. I try using the local library for their free computer access. Then I get distracted by Facebook, YouTube, or annoying people at the library. I’m not going into Second Life, but I’m still wasting time. Today I was so frustrated with the slowness of Internet Explorer on my laptop, that I finally downloaded and used Mozilla instead. This seems so much faster now. Hurray!

When my computer was updating Windows the other day, I couldn’t use it for anything else, so I got pulled into a sci-fi paperback in a series I like. Now this book calls to me, suggesting I can read a little more before I go to do my work.

Our refrigerator wasn’t working the day before yesterday, frozen food melting, cold food not staying cold. My roommate called to tell our landlady, who quickly bought a new refrigerator and brought dry ice to keep the food cold in the meantime. The delivery of the new refrigerator came yesterday, so I had to clear out all the food from the old refrigerator, clean it, then put the food into the new one. I still need to clean the shelves before I put them back in the old refrigerator, which is now in our garage. It’s not even really broken though, since the freezer was still working. It probably just had the cold air from the freezer blocked by ice build up or something.

I don’t feel grounded and centered. I’ve used essential oils, baths and spells to help me be more calm and focused, but my mind is still a mess most of the time. I feel like I’m too sensitive to the emotions of other people around me, so I’m better when I’m in the house alone. The dogs have emotions too though. Most of the time I keep them calm enough, but sometimes one will be whining, demanding attention, or barking at every person who walks by outside.