Reconstruction

bombed-building

I haven’t been posting much lately. I’m ok, but I still have problems.

One day over a week ago, I thought my mind felt like a bombed house in the middle of a bombed city. It was hard to think clearly. It was hard to figure out what I need to do each day to put my life back together. As I get a few things accomplished, I feel a little better, but my mind is still not “normal”. I thought a bombed out house or building was a good analogy for what trauma does to a person. The outside might look almost like it was before, but the inside features may not work like they used to do.

When a building is this badly damaged, it will usually be torn down. We can’t do this with people though. We have to rebuild ourselves, perhaps with some help from others, brick by brick, beam by beam, pane by pane. It’s sometimes hard to find the old pieces in the rubble, but little by little we can put the pieces back so a usable house is reconstructed. It won’t be the same as it was before, but nothing in life is perfect anyway, so that’s ok.

I’m ok today. I’ve been taking care of my sometimes psychotic ex-roommate’s 2 dogs while he was looking for a room to rent that would allow him to have dogs. He found a place that didn’t at first, but the manager now says he can have his dogs. I know he needs the bigger dog and the bigger dog needs him, but I wonder if the small one will be ok. I told the other ex-roommate not to worry about his dogs, but I can’t help doing so myself now.

I can’t be responsible for 3 dogs though. It’s enough being responsible for my own old dog. She was happy to have her old friends with us this last week, but I’ll probably be glad not to have to share my life with 2 extra dogs too.

 

Advertisements

Still Here

tower-theater

Built in 1938, the Tower Theater lent it’s name to world famous Tower Records, which started in it’s lobby. Tower Records is gone now, but the theater is still here,  running mainstream and indie films.

I’m at the Starbucks across the street today, using their Wi-Fi. It’s cozy and quieter than the library near my new home. I also like being able to sip hot tea while I blog.

I’ve been thinking of the differences in how I felt at the last house vs. this current one. I was more traumatized when I got into the last one. I was recently homeless, had recently lost almost everything I had, and the motel I’d been staying in had been a bit rough, with cockroaches & homeless people wandering around at night. That house was a haven from all that, but it wasn’t peaceful. We had central air-conditioning & heat, a fenced yard, Wi-Fi, some TV on Roku, a nice kitchen, a wash machine but no dryer, all for about $ 420/ month. That was a great deal. Despite being in the “boondocks” of North Highlands, I would’ve stayed there if my other 2 roommates hadn’t created problems.

I was often dealing with their drama, then feeling trapped in my room while Rob’s psychosis raged. It was hard to try to put my life back together in the midst of that, but I updated my info for DMV & MediCal, got meds for my dog, went to dentist appointments, got antibiotics for my tooth infection, got food and water for the household, kept the yard watered, and did several mystery shopper jobs to boost my confidence in being able to work again. I also updated my resume, but didn’t do that until right at the end of my time there.

Robert was most of the problem there. He could seem almost normal sometimes, but that didn’t make up for the times Janae & I felt scared of him and hid in our rooms. I was glad I had her, but she ended up being another part of the problem. Several psychics told her to trust me, but she apparently finds it hard to trust anyone. When she withheld rent from our landlord because he wasn’t working fast enough to get Rob removed, she said her decision wouldn’t hurt me, but it did. Our landlord decided to kick all 3 of us out, even though he admitted I hadn’t done anything wrong.

It took about 2 months for that house to feel like a home to me – one with mentally messed-up roommates, but still a home. We shared some meals together, watched TV together, shared household chores, walked our dogs, and watched our pets play together.

I’ve only been 2 weeks in this current house, Most or that time alone or with the landlady, the last 4 days with this new roommate. We haven’t had time to bond, but at least these two aren’t mentally unstable drug-addicts. I have less money left from my savings and just as many worries as before, but I also feel more normal mentally and more confident most of the time. Not having Wi-Fi at the house is a problem, especially since I’m paying more in rent now than I was before, but I’m managing for the most part. The only TV shows I watch are from the few channels I get on an old TV that doesn’t have a remote control. The house is much quieter and peaceful though, so it’s easy to get a good night’s sleep, and I never feel like I might need to call the police while I hide locked in my room.

One of my reasons for leaving the house yesterday and today, is to give the other roommate some time alone with her boyfriend. We all need our space, and I respect that. She’s just got a part-time job, so she’ll be away part of the time during the week. I’m still looking, but I can do my online search at the library as much as possible.

The spat between Kaylee and the other roommate’s dog, has created a small disturbance in our peace. The other roommate is afraid to leave them alone together inside the house now. I’m sure they’ll get more comfortable though, and in the meantime, Kaylee can stay in the garage when necessary to calm the other roommate’s reservations.

 

Getting Settled, still feeling sad.

PICT0581.JPG

I feel sad right now. I was feeling anxious earlier. When the new roommate moved in & her friend was helping her, I felt like I must have terrible social skills & seem like such a loser. Funny how the mind creates a kind of “reality” we believe even when it’s largely irrational. I’m a decent person, but it’s so easy to hate myself, then start feeling like the world would be better off without me.

The people at this public library seem noisier than at the others I’ve used. Yesterday 2 adults next to me at the laptop tables started arguing with each other because one thought the other was talking too loud, then she was just as loud & annoying as he had been. The man next to me now was intermittently singing to himself. An hour ago, a woman was talking too loudly on her phone. It seems like people mostly don’t dare to ask the adults to quiet down, though they will ask the kids to do so. The kids are just following what the adults do though.

*Sigh* How do I get my amorphous angst out of my mind and onto this blog page?

I made a physical spell to get a home, not just a house, but a real home. I think it worked. I like the house I’m in now. The new roommates seem nice, sane, and are not drug addicts. Kaylee & the other lady’s dog seem to be getting along, though Kaylee is showing signs of trying to bully the other.

Kaylee snapped at her once, which is how she makes a more submissive dog fear her. Then all she has to do is give the other dog a look. She tried to take the other dog’s rawhide chew, but I took it & gave it back. I think other people tend to let Kaylee get away with domineering behavior toward other dogs, but I try to stop unwanted behavior before it gets out of hand. I’m not mean to my dogs, but I want them to respect me as their alpha, which I think they do.

Kaylee and I have an odd owner-pet relationship. She’s not emotionally dependent on me, but I think she knows she can count on me to take care of her. She doesn’t like to sleep on my bed, but likes to be inside near the humans sometimes. Other times she likes to be outside on her own bed or lying in the grass. She likes it when people say she’s pretty and when they pet or scratch her. She lies on the ground and asks for belly rubs by moving her front paws. She walks away when she’s tired of being brushed, but lies down to let me put antibiotic spray or ointment on her sore elbow.  She barks when she wants to be let out, but also takes my cue to pee before riding in the car or before I go to bed at night. She’s smart, friendly, and as easy-going as a California surfer high on weed.

I have a home, but now I need more money. A good job will be one way to get an income, but money can come in other ways too. I did a money spell that felt like it was working. Right after, I got the phone call saying when the new roommate would be moving in. She doesn’t represent money coming to me, but she does represent money coming to my landlady, which indirectly benefits me. Yesterday I did online surveys for fast food coupons and contest entries. A good coupon is as good a money, & online contests have better odds than lotteries. Maybe I’ll get lucky & win a couple hundred dollars worth of merchandise at a store, which would be just as good as money. I keep thinking I deserve to win $500, because that’s how much I gave back to my last roommate after she flaked out on this room. I’m not sure if good deeds like that are actually rewarded or punished in this world though. Maybe she’s supposed to learn a life lesson by not having that money? Maybe I interfered by letting her get out of this room too easy?

I went to the last house to pick up the last of my things on Monday. My female ex-roommate acted toward me like I was her enemy, even though her flaking out on this room cost me $500. The sometimes psychotic guy was friendly and was still hoping the 3 of us could all be roommates together someday. I told him my current landlady only wants female roommates.

 

Homeless Again

PICT0161.JPG

The picture above is of my dog, a 13 year old husky with numerous fatty tumors. She seems happy and pretty healthy most of the time, except for a open-wound tumor on her left elbow that never heals. The spot on her nose is another small one. There’s another on the back of her neck. There’s also a dark-colored tumor on her left rear leg. I can’t afford to have her get surgery, because I don’t have a job and must save my money to pay rent for whatever home I can find for us.

I was homeless from mid March to mid April. I found I had money in a 401 K  savings account and was able to use that to get a dog-friendly motel for 2 weeks, then a cheap room through Craig’s List for the past 6 months. I’ve been paying rent on time since then, but one of my roommates is disruptive and has scary psychotic episodes. After complaining about him to our landlord, he gave us all 30 day notices to get out. Now I’m about to be homeless again. We’re supposed to get out tomorrow. The other 2 roommates – the one’s who haven’t paid rent for September & October – are planning to stay in the house and fight the eviction on the grounds that they have mental disabilities. I’m planning to move to a dog-friendly motel that will cost more for 1 week than renting a room in a house for a month would – if I can find one that will let me keep a dog and doesn’t have drug addicts as the other housemates.

red-roof-inn-rancho-cordova

Our last motel room was like this one, but with wooden floors and no mini fridge. The next one will be slightly nicer, but also more expensive. The last motel had cockroaches and homeless people wandering around at night. The next one has been newly renovated, so I hope it will be bug free. Both allow pets and have Wi-Fi, so I can look online for another room that’s pet-friendly and hopefully won’t have drug-addict housemates.

I’ve updated my resume so it looks pretty good. I wrote a decent cover letter too. I’ve been out of the workforce for 8 years though, having spent a good part of the time looking after my elderly mother with Alzheimer’s.

After Mom had to be moved to a care home, then a convalescent home, I had no money to live on. I wasn’t able to continue paying rent on the home I shared with another lady for 18 years, so she gave me 30 days to get out. I was a mental wreck and suicidal, so I told her she could have all my stuff, thinking I was going to kill myself. She left the house to sell it and move into a senior apartment. I didn’t kill myself, obviously, but people she hired to clean out the house took all my furniture and most of my things. All I had was what I could fit in my car with me and my dog. Luckily, one of my nephews and one of my friends lent me money to live on and to pay my car insurance and registration, so I was ok until my 401 K money came.

I still have a little over $ 6000 left to live on, but living in a motel for 2 weeks will take over $ 1000 of that. That’s why I asked our current landlord if I could rent the house from him for $ 1300 / month + utilities. I emailed him with this proposition, but he didn’t respond. Then I texted him to ask if he got my email. His response was ” I can’t do that at this time.”

So my dog and I are about to be homeless again, but maybe this time I’m a little better off. I don’t feel suicidal this time and I have a decent resume and cover letter. I still need a place to live, but if I found one last time, maybe I can find a decent one this time too.

I chatted with the sometimes psychotic roommate while I ate a bowl of cereal and watched the news this morning.  He doesn’t seem too bad, but he makes me feel uncomfortable. When I talk with him, I feel like I want to run away from him and the house. That’s why I’ve been coming to the public library to work on my resume and go online. It’s quiet and peaceful here. It feels safe and sane, so I feel safe and sane. I feel like I’ve been able to think clearly for the last 2 weeks, not get into a panic or suicidal, because I’ve been staying at the library as much as possible, instead of at the house. I keep starting to cry these last couple of days, but I stop myself, because I need to stay level-headed and calm.

Science doesn’t yet support the idea that people can be psychically sensitive to the thoughts, feelings or vibes of others, but I’m sure we can. The sometimes psychotic roommate seems to give off a high-strung, “crazy” vibe to me. My other roommate emanates anxiety sometimes, depression sometimes, and sometimes no negative vibes. My dog is pretty much always mellow, except for the last time we were made homeless. She was upset until we got into this last house. Then she was calm even when the rest of us were upset. She’s a very sweet and good-tempered dog.

I hope I can find us a home.

And So It Goes….

gates-of-melancholy_002

(Picture taken at The Gates of Melancholy, Second Life)

I didn’t want to go online from the house lately, but it’s Sunday. The public library is closed & the Wi-Fi at Starbucks is too slow to be very useful for me, so I’m online from the house anyway. I have one more week left before I’m supposed to leave.

This house doesn’t feel like a home anymore.

My sometimes psychotic roommate is acting normalish, but he isn’t normal. He seems to have no real plan for where to go when he’s forced to leave. Maybe he imagines he can plead his way back into his ex-wife’s good graces & house? He told me he wanted to write an emotional letter to her & print it out on my printer. I don’t want to let him. Is that mean of me? I seriously doubt she’d take him back after all this time & maybe having a restraining order against him. I don’t know, though. Do I have a right to judge his life & imagine I know how it will go from here?

I want to get away from this place. I can go to a motel for a couple weeks, then try to get a new place from there. I’ve been working on updating my resume, but I’m slow to get it done. It’s looking pretty good, but still needs a bit more work. I’ve been feeling relatively normal for the last 2 weeks, as I’ve tried to make plans for getting a new job & a new place to live.

The sometimes psychotic roommate said today that he’d like the 3 of us to get a place together. He’s so delusional that he has no idea what a Hell he’s put us through. He doesn’t know I hate him & hexed him to leave. He doesn’t know we complained about him to our landlord. He thinks there’s something wrong with this house, when it’s him who’s made this place unlivable.

I have a plan to leave next Sunday, but I won’t be able to fit my thrift store furniture into my car with me & my dog. It will be a tight squeeze even to get my microwave & printer into it. I’m thinking of renting a small storage unit, which my other roommate could share with me. Most rental places give you one month free when you pay for one, which should be more than enough time for us to both find new places to live.

Feeling Alone & Blogging

It’s been one week since my other housemates and I got 30 day notices to vacate. I don’t know if I’m supposed to pay a prorated amount of rent to stay in the house until October 23rd. I sent an email to the landlord to ask him. I also formally requested that he extend our rental period to give us more time to look for another place. I want proof of my request and his answer, not just whatever he says on the phone.

A large part of this last week, I’ve been trying to not think catastrophic or suicidal thoughts. I distract myself and try to get into a better mental state by watching TV, going online away from the house, walking my dog, or taking her to a dog park.

Wednesday morning, the crazy roommate and I went to our weekly food closet. We waited in line for a bag each of food, while the pastor there preached at us. He was very annoying. Later, I was watching an old British comedy series on TV and noticed that as each episode ended, I would start to get very anxious again. When I went outside in the backyard, away from the house, I felt nearly normal. (I think I feel the emotions of the other roommates, so getting away from them and the house, helps stabilize own mood). I colored my hair in the evening, in hopes of looking for a job. I think if I can get a job before I have to move again, it will be easier to get a place to live. I have money for a few months of rent now, but when one doesn’t have a job, they may seem less desirable as a potential tenant.

Yesterday I took my dog to a dog park, ate breakfast in a grocery store parking lot, filled my car with gas, gave a little food and bottled water to a homeless man, then brushed my dog for 3 hours. (That’s not weird for a Siberian husky with a thick undercoat.) I found 2 more tumors on her, which makes me worry about having to have her put to sleep. In the evening, my non-crazy roommate and I visited with the neighbor ladies next door, partially to let them know our landlord was unfairly evicting us. They informed us that the crazy one had been watching the houses of single women, the house across from ours and the one on the other side of theirs. I’d seen him do this once and video taped him, but he’s apparently been doing this on multiple occasions.

This morning, I watered the front yard and my potted plants, walked my dog to a small local park, sat there a while under a tree, then walked back. I ate a bowl of cereal, while watching bits of late-night talk shows. My crazy roommate wanted to chat with me, but I couldn’t stand that for very long. This afternoon I’m at the library, using their Wi-Fi. Blogging helps me organize my thoughts and feel like I’m not completely alone.

Tomorrow, I’m going to a small pagan event. I’m hoping to network there a bit to try to find another place to live.

 

I called the Fire Department today…

PICT0435.JPG

…after taking this picture of my housemate doing an illegal burn in the backyard.
(He’s behind the tree trunk, so we can’t see each other.)

PICT0391.JPG

He recently bought a bunch of cheap lighters & has been breaking them open to remove the butane. I found on YouTube that butane can be used to make hash oil or shatter from marijuana, as well as for cooking methamphetamine. I took pictures of items in the garage that could be for legal drug production & use.

PICT0368.JPG

PICT0433.JPG

Our landlord hasn’t responded to emails & pictures, so yesterday I drove to the local fire department to show them pictures & ask what I can do. They suggested telling our roommate not to burn stuff, but also said he seems to have a “fascination with fire”, which I think is polite code for being a firebug.

I started to feel kind of defeated yesterday, because neither our landlord, the police, nor the fire department would do anything about him. Then, before I came home from doing errands,  decided to smile & act confident at home. Maybe the crazy housemate will think I’m up to something & will be a little scared of me.

He talked to me a little yesterday, almost as if he’s normal. Then I saw him put a piece of paper on the old oak tree in back & jump around oddly as if making some kind of supplication to it.

happy-now-daisies

Late last night there was also a piece of paper in his car’s tailpipe & writing in dust on his back window that said “Happy $now Daisies”. I think he did this himself, but my other roommate suggested he should check his car, in case someone had vandalized it.

He’s good at passing for normal for a few minutes, but he’s far from normal. He says he has bipolar disorder & PTSD, but that alone doesn’t explain his odd behavior. He admits he’s not taking his prescribed medication. He’s smoking a lot of marijuana, supposedly medicinally, but more likely just to keep himself high all day. We also think he smokes methamphetamine & have positive test results for powder & the paper from one of his abandoned joints. His behavior seem more schizophrenic than bipolar to me, but that may be because everyone else I’ve know who was bipolar took their meds. This may be how he acts when he’s on an untreated manic phase.