Depression doesn’t just go away

Depression - grey rose

I’m almost ok.

My job is ok – except that I worried all Thursday about making a mistake clocking in and Friday I worried over wasted time that wasn’t even my fault. I worried over whether my supervisor was annoyed with me, when he probably wasn’t. I have enough money for rent and gasoline, but not much else. I sold plasma today, and my arm hurts now. My dog has medical issues, and I can’t afford a vet. I cried several times last weekend because I missed my old friend who made me homeless. I’m angry that my life has been difficult. I’m sad that it isn’t much better already.

I don’t want to complain. I want to explain.

I isolate myself, then feel alone. I want more, then feel like I have less. I’m glad that I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, that my car runs, that I have food to eat,…but I’m still not happy. I’m still depressed.

Depression doesn’t go away when things get a little better.

I’ve been trying to focus on buying what I need, rather than what I want, but I still bought a few books and fast food. I don’t want to feel guilty about that. I want to be able to treat myself to a few treats. I want to be kind to myself, because it hurts too much when I’m mean to myself. The world is hard enough without me telling myself that I don’t deserve little treats, that nobody likes me, that I’ll never be happy, or that I’m a failure at my life.

I shouldn’t keep thinking that I wish I’d been able to kill myself when I had a chance, that my mother had aborted me, or my father had killed her when she was pregnant with me. I should keep thinking that I’m here for a reason, and I wasn’t able to kill myself because I still need to fulfill that reason.

I need to believe that my life will get better, not keep thinking that maybe it will only get worse again. I need to be happy that I have a job I don’t hate, rather than fret over how this company hires 70% temps so they don’t have to keep them for more than a year and never have to pay them decent benefits. Let the glass be half full, instead of half empty, and don’t worry that the water might be poisoned.

Enjoy the rose, without worrying about the scratch of the thorns.

 

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Update – Short and Boring

I got the part-time, minimum wage phone bank job to help me get through until the production technician job comes through. Then I talked with my landlady on the phone. She understands that I’ll have some money pretty soon, so she’s fine with waiting until Nov. 16th, assuming that’s when I get my first paycheck for my current part-time minimum wage job.

Some of the pressure is off now for a couple weeks, but I still don’t feel safe and secure. I’m trying to keep control of my emotions. My tarot readings for myself are kind of all over the place, sometimes scaring me, sometimes reassuring me, & not as helpful as I’d like.

Running Out of Time?

Hourglass

I expect my landlady may show up tomorrow and try to hand me a 3 day notice. She sent a copy of one to my roommate to give me today, but if it’s dated for tomorrow, that’s probably not legal. I didn’t respond to her text notice last night, and I don’t think sending a text like that is legally binding anyway.

I  filled out online forms for my new job today, the one that doesn’t start until November 28. I also talked to a hiring manager who’s interested in hiring me for my old job at the company that’s now under new ownership. That would be closer and probably easier, if my old supervisor wouldn’t stop them from rehiring me.

Almost all the tarot readings I’ve done for myself or that others have done for me say everything’s going to be fine, Success is either here or right on the horizon, but I still need money that I don’t have. One guy did one reading for me with the 5 of Pentacles (Poverty and Suffering) in the future, but that card was pretty much the exception from the rest of the reading.

My roommate wants me to talk to our landlady and explain to her that I’m about to get a job and rent money. I feel like I want to hide from her until I have the money to hand to her.

The job in Vacaville scares me, mostly because the company is so strict, but also because the long drive might be hard on my car and the long hours might be hard on me.

Taking my old job seems easier, but every time I dreamt of going back there to work as a temp, the same management problems from before were still a problem. In my dreams, I always leave thinking I don’t have to work there anymore and it’s not my fault that they’re still so messed up. In “real life” people seem to be leaving that company like rats leaving a sinking ship, so I don’t think that’s actually a secure job either.

I wish I could get something NOW, to start Monday or sooner, so I can pay my rent and other expenses that will hit next week.

I sold plasma this morning and put $20 of that $25 into gas money. New California gas taxes hit tomorrow, so I wanted to fill up my tank today. I can get another $30 for selling more plasma on Friday or Saturday, but I can’t continually give twice a week, because my blood protein levels would drop too low.

Can’t Sleep – too much worrying

Cant sleep meme

I have an interview tomorrow, but I can’t sleep because I keep thinking that even if I get a job now, I won’t have money to buy gas to drive to work.

One solution might be a part time call-center job, if I can still get that.

I’m also upset about my landlady coming back on Wednesday – though my roommate warned her not to bring her boyfriend’s dog because hers has contagious kennel cough. Maybe this will deter her a few days? She wants to clean out her bedroom here, so she can rent it to my roommate’s friend.

I was trying to sleep with the radio playing, but then dreamt of being in the house I grew up in. There were 3 small white puppies that should have been together in one place, but each was in a different place and none were being fed properly. One is in my Mom’s bathroom. One is out in the kitchen. One is in the middle bathroom. I talk to the one in the middle bathroom & ask him how many times I’ve fed him since he’s been here. He says twice. I think this isn’t even once a day, so he must be starving. He and the others are all so quiet & not complaining. I worry that I’m slowly starving them by not taking proper care of them.

Note: When I dream of trying to protect and take care of baby animals, I think this refers to a part of myself that isn’t getting adequate care and protection.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and took a bath. I don’t want to be the crazy roommate who takes baths at 2:30 am. I want to be employed in a good-paying, full-time job that I actually like and am capable of keeping.

 

Anxiety go away – pretty please with sprinkles

gold spiral.jpg

I’ve spent a couple hours tonight wondering how to post an update while also getting distracted on Facebook. Maybe getting distracted was a good thing, because my anxiety did go down.

I want to explain how I’ve been feeling, but I don’t want my negativity to draw more negativity. Maybe a picture can be a kind of spell, so I picked this shiny gold spiral for my illustration – rather than one about how worried and anxious I’m feeling.

My interview this morning went fine. I have another tomorrow that I hope will go fine too.

On the opposite side, not having rent money is making me sick to my stomach with anxiety and dread. My landlady is supposed to come back on Wednesday. If I still don’t have money, I’ll want to run away and hide again. When I’m this upset, it’s hard to put in more job applications. I’m mostly focused on managing my emotions and not sliding into catastrophic thinking that could make me go suicidal. (I don’t have the means or will to do it anyway, but the thoughts alone are bad for me.)

Today I started worrying, what if I get this job an hour out of town and don’t have money for gas to drive there? What if I lose my home and have to live out of my car? I said I wanted the swing shift and would take the day shift as my second choice, but if I have to live out of my car because I don’t have a house to live in or money for gas, I thought maybe I could work the night shift and sleep in my car during the day? It’s safer to sleep in a car during the day than at night. It’s easier to find a safe place to park during the day, when cops or private security won’t chase you away. If I have to sleep in my car though, I won’t be able to take a shower and change my clothes easily, and my dog will have no place to live.

I want people who read this to understand how this anxiety feels, but I think my friends and family get annoyed with this kind of post. Last night I started freaking out that I wasn’t prepared for the interview questions this morning. ( I managed to read the 5 most important ones before the interview, so I was ready for them.) Last night I worried that my interview blouse should be blue instead of grey. ( I looked for a better blouse in a thrift store and discount store this afternoon, but none was better than the one I already have.) If I didn’t have this lack of rent money problem right now, I would not be freaking out like this, but lately this is making me kind of crazy.

I can cast all kinds of money spells – fast money, happy money, easy money spells – but they can’t work without a means for them to work. I’m not inclined to beg from strangers on a corner or to write bad checks or otherwise try to steal money. I sold some plasma today, but that was only worth $ 25, not the $ 300 I need. I want to earn my money, but even when I do get a new job, the money won’t come fast enough to pay my rent and phone/internet bill.

Money, money come to me.
As I say, so mote it be.

10 And given Free

Worry and Faith

Soul Collage Reading - 9-22-17

I’ve been seriously putting out applications for the last couple of months. I’ve gone to a few job interviews – two last week, none this week. Every tarot reading I’ve read for myself, the one reading I had at the Pagan Pride Festival last weekend, and the 4 online readings I did this evening have all been positive and clearly show success. Even so, I keep worrying that I might not have a new job by the time rent is due on the 1st of October.

The picture above is of the online reading I just did with Soul Collage cards. It also fits with all the other readings I’ve had lately.

The Fool relates to the Fool card in Tarot, which means, in part, being able to make a leap of faith at the beginning of one’s journey. The Great Mother relates to the reading I had this weekend, which said I need to work with my feminine divine and believe in myself more. My Inner Worrier relates to me worrying and not trusting that everything will work out ok. The Vision chakra card relates to inner vision, intuition and psychic abilities, as well as foresight and clear vision in general.

Fear Demon & Fake City (dream)

City Inside Out - Haveit Neox - Maddy Gynoid

(Picture of “City Inside Out”, a Second Life art installation by Haveit Neox, picture by Maddy Gynoid, at Echt Virtuell)

In a dream I had early this morning, I go into a building that has convention rooms toward the back. I see the words “Pagan Pride” over a pair of doors and want to go there, because I want to go to a Pagan Pride Festival this weekend in physical reality. Instead of heading straight for those doors however, I go to the left and into another room with a buffet in it. I want to eat some of the food here, but then think I’m getting distracted from going to the Pagan Pride Festival. I go back to look for that room, but now I can’t find it.

I go outside of this building and look around. The area and building reminds me of some old department store, maybe Montgomery Ward?, that isn’t in physical reality anymore.

I go back inside and meet a character who looks at first like a normal human man, but which I think feels demonic, the kind of spirit I call a fear demon. [I think this is a spirit which can appear in dreams and create nightmares, so it can feed off a person’s fear.] At one point it looks like a child swinging on a swing, but I don’t trust it. It seems to be playing the role of a ghost child, trying to get me or other people in the dream to feel sorry for it, so it can lead us into a scary place where it has more control. Other people in the dream don’t see that it’s manipulative and evil.

When I’m not tricked by the child character, it changes into a medium sized black dog. I’m attracted to the dog at first and try to talk to it, but I feel a malevolence within it, like it’s not a real dog. I move away from it.

A scruffy white dog appears. I’m attracted to it at first and want to help it. When I look more closely at it though, I realize it’s the same black dog, which is really a demon. I say something like, “You can’t fool me. I know you’re the same black dog.” Now it changes back into the black dog and snarls menacingly at me. I turn away from it and go outside again.

Now the world outside looks like part of a city, but in a kind of circular, bowl-like shape. The colors are mostly dark brown, beige, rust and grey – like dirt and decay. It’s neither day or night, but more of a twilight with city lights. I fly up to the top of a building near me and see its flat roof is covered with boxes and debris. I land here and look around. This is when I think this space seems circular and artificial, like a bowl with buildings making up the circumference, almost like mountains. The sky and colors beyond are mostly brown and rust-colored. The building I’m standing on is light grey concrete.

I feel kind of trapped in this environment, like the demon wants me here, but I’m also lucid and in control of myself, so I’m not scared. I know it can’t really hurt me. I fly around this building and look for a higher one, from which to get a better view.  I find one, fly to the top and land. From here I can see the top of the previous building, which is in the center of this bowl-like cityscape. I’m able to see that this is all a construction, almost like a dark city sim in Second Life, except the border is circular instead of square. I know the demon can’t manipulate me from this spot.

At this point the city dissolves around me and I wake, around 6 am.

Notes & Interpretation:

I was awake and online around 4 am before I had this dream. I had just read a blog post about a dream in which Papa Legba appeared with some dogs and read that he’s associated with dogs much like Hecate is. Just before I fell asleep, I saw in my mind a some brightly colored symbols on a black background, a mostly black, medium sized dog apparently dead in a trash can, then the same dog alive and well.  This dog seemed to symbolize a possible deity or spirit guide.

I believe there are demonic spirits which can feed on human emotions and energy. From personal subjective experience in dreams, I think some specialize in giving people nightmares, so they can feed on fear, but they can feed on a person’s fear (or other strong emotions) in waking life too. When I dream of these kind of spirits, they try to manipulate my dream so I’ll be scared, but since I tend to become lucid when I’m scared, I can usually outmaneuver them and wake myself up.

I’ve been feeling some anxiety over needing a job and money lately, so a fear demon might have thought I was vulnerable last night. Even though I’ve had some periods of anxiety, though, I’ve also felt more confident and magically empowered than I have in a long time. I find it interesting that this apparent demon tried different forms to try to trick me, but I was able to see though all of them. Then it seemed to get annoyed with me for seeing though it’s disguises, so it tried to trap me in a dream environment it constructed. Maybe the decaying city was supposed to make me feel homeless and lost, but I instead viewed it as a kind of virtual reality construct, almost like a constructed dream environment in the movie Inception. I didn’t worry about not being able to move into a different environment, because I was fascinated with how this one was designed. I don’t think this bowl-shape is one I would have invented myself. Though it does remind me of Hell in Dante’s Inferno or the underground labs in Westworld, in the dream it reminded me most of a man-made sim in Second Life, which means it would be fake and harmless.

I read probably in a blog recently that Fear is an illusion, and that our higher self tries to show us this by exposing us to the things we fear. It’s basically trying to say, “See that wasn’t so bad, was it?”, but it doesn’t think *anything* is really that bad, so it can expose us to some really horrible situations by normal standards. I mention this idea, because maybe the whole “fear demon” idea is a construct that my subconscious uses to make me feel less fearful in waking life reality?  (I still think these are real external entities, though.)

When I picked out the picture at the top of this post, I had the idea that it probably annoys that demon. Instead of being an image that seems scary to me, it’s of an art installation that I loved in SL. I contributed a short piece of writing to it, which was about a homeless woman in my old neighborhood. Also, instead of making me feel vulnerable to being homeless myself, it reminds me of the drive to help others who are vulnerable and of the power of art and writing to empower us to improve our world.

I’m still feeling big mood swings lately though, the product of stress and money worries. I was thinking today that when I feel anxiety, it feels like something is pulling at my soul as if it were taffy.