(from diary posts on Thursday, Aug 31)
My dog woke me around 2:45 am, wanting to go out. I’d been dreaming and thought it was probably a pretty stupid dream anyway, then realized it had some interesting bits.
In it, I’d just walked into a shop from outdoors. The items in the shop appear around me as I try to make sense of them. It’s a clothing store. I think the designer of these clothes is a woman, clever and innovative. My Dad is here with me. I try on first one, then another, historically-themed dress. The first might be late Victorian, but simplified, not historically accurate. The second is in a blue print that I think is an homage to Disneyland. When I put it on, I see it’s a pioneer-style.
I also put on a small pistol, attached to a chain hanging at my waist like a belt. My Dad doesn’t like that I have this gun. I say, “Why not? It’s not usable. It’s just decoration.” I think having this gun makes me look tough and like I can defend myself. – I wake at this point.
When I’m outside with the dogs and trying to make sense of this dream fragment, I think spontaneously, “These violent delights have violent ends.” I realize this is a reference to HBO’s Westworld and how Dolores is triggered to become violent. I say this phrase aloud to myself and realize I’ve used her accent in the show, the slightly southern prairie girl accent. I wonder if I was about to become like Dolores in my dream? The patterns on the blue dress might be a reference to the patterns I’ve been trying to sense and understand on a metaphysical level, or the ones Dolores is forced to repeat over and over, until she seemingly changes direction? Maybe my Dad also didn’t want me to have the gun, because it symbolizes when I wanted to kill myself?
My landlady made a deal with me to take $ 10/ day off my rent because I was watching 2 little dogs for a friend of hers. On Tuesday, my left front tire blew out while I was driving back from a job interview. On Wednesday I asked my landlady to drive me to the bank, so I could move money from savings to checking for the repair and so I could give her my rent money. I handed her $300. Then she said, “I was thinking it should be $400, since I watched the dogs part of the time too.” She didn’t watch them for 10 days worth of watching them, but I didn’t feel like I could argue with her. I didn’t feel like I was in a position to defend myself, so I took out another $ 100 from my ATM and gave it to her. I didn’t even write a check for proof of what I paid her, like I usually do.
Feeling angry toward my landlady on Wednesday was starting to trigger vindictive feelings and thoughts of how I could get back at her. Maybe my dream was about to take on a Westworld theme, in which I play the role of Dolores in my blue prairie dress, so sweet and passive on the outside, but with a rage building inside as I recall all the abuse I’ve suffered? I was getting angry at Life for all the crap and hardship I’ve been through.
On Wednesday, after the trip to my bank, I had my landlady drop me off at the plasma center, so I could get $ 45 for having my blood pumped out, separated in a centrifuge, then having my blood cells and cold saline pumped back in. The movie “Inception” was playing on the screens above the donor beds. I watched it in a strange state of mind. In the movie, the characters are in a dream world, with different levels, as they try to manipulate the mind of another man. As I watched it, I was feeling like physical reality isn’t fully real, like it’s just one level of reality.
I thought the level the gods work on is the level above our physical reality. Dream reality is one level. Cyberspace is one level. Virtual reality platforms like Second Life are another level. I thought that maybe when I’m doing effective spell work, I’m connecting to that upper level the gods work on. – I thought later that I often feel like I have one foot in normal reality and one in one of these other worlds, which is partly why I call myself Persephone.
The movie and my state of mind allowed me to have an altered state of consciousness in which I could easily imagine, visualize and sense my ideas. As I looked at the wall in front of me, I was able to visualize my favorite little beach in Fort Bragg. (Donors aren’t allowed to close their eyes for long while donating, in case they might fall asleep or pass out.) I felt like I could sense and communicate with my Goddess here at this mentally imagined beach. Taking advantage of this altered state of consciousness, I decide to recite in my mind and mentally cast my favorite money spell. (This kind of mental magic is called Inner Temple work. Outer Temple work uses physical tools and rituals.)
When I recited the spell in my mind, I identified with the seed in the line, “As the rain upon the seed.” This line symbolizes money coming like rain falling upon a seed, a natural nourishing force. (Many people subconsciously think they don’t deserve money when they try to cast a money spell, which makes it not work. The wording of my spell evokes the sense of money being a natural force to which anyone is entitled – like the tide, rain, fruit growing on a tree, or honey made by bees.)
Westworld does play homage to Disneyland, by the way, a place where our imagination becomes real, so we can play in it. In Westworld the dark turns of human imagination are allowed to run free. – “These violent delights have violent ends,” was a warning to me not to give in to the dark turnings of my own imagination. It was a warning not to become vindictive and spiteful, which was how I was starting to feel Wednesday night.
As a witch, when I feel angry toward someone I know pretty well, they sometimes have bad things happen to them, even if I don’t consciously try to hex them. I can’t say this to mundane people, because if they believe it even a little, they might feel afraid of me, which is not good. If they don’t believe it, they’ll think I’m weird and delusional, which isn’t good either. Some things are better left unsaid when trying to navigate living in both the mundane and the magical world.
After my landlady took more money than she should have from me for my rent, then dropped me off at the plasma center, she accidentally locked one of the little dogs I’d been watching in her bedroom. He tore up the carpet near her door while we were both out. When I got home, I heard him barking from her room and let him out. I thought, “Don’t piss off a witch,” and smiled in schadenfreude.
Normally people will say this was just a coincidence that she left the dog in her room and it damaged her carpet at the same time that I was angry with her. Yet, I’ve seen this same kind of thing happen before when I was angry with people. When it happens once, it’s easy to call it coincidence, but when it happens multiple times, there might be some underlying causal action.
I had another dream later on Thursday morning. In it I’m poor and maybe homeless, since I’m pushing a shopping cart with my possessions in it. I’m still finding good things around me though. I come to a big public library and collect books that are being thrown out. They aren’t great, but I see some potential in them. I open one that seems to be in a foreign language and it’s all tables of these symbols I don’t understand. It seems like it’s for magical work of some kind. Maybe it’s in Arabic? Most of the other books are fiction. I put them in my shopping cart with a few other things I have.
I see Kathrin (my former landlady and friend). I go to talk with her, but she seems hostile toward me. She says the books I have are crap. I say they’re not very good, but they’re not that bad. Then she says I’m not even supposed to be here because she put out a restraining order against me after I was stalking her. [This is not from real life.] I say I’m sorry and I won’t bother her anymore. She leaves. I go back into a library building behind me.
One of the librarians sees me and says I’m not supposed to be here because there’s a restraining order against me for the whole Sacramento public library system. She points out a green sign that says I’m supposed to stay 17 feet away from this building. I apologize and say I didn’t see that.
I go outside again and see the same kinds of green signs on the outside of the building. I move to a circular spot in the middle of the walkways between these buildings. The buildings are white marble. The walkways are lined with birch trees with light green and yellow leaves. The setting is very pretty. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not allowed to go to any libraries anymore, but I think I can still find books in other places. [This idea may come from when I found books lying on the ground at the grocery store parking lot, the free ones I found at a food closet, and the ones a lady gives away for free at our local farmers market.]
I woke feeling first sad, then angry. I never tried to stalk Kathrin, though she was probably afraid I might follow her to her new apartment, hex her, or say bad things about her. I think these 2 dreams came from my anger toward my roommate and current landlady for taking advantage of me, and my anger toward how Life has treated me. I felt like I wanted to lash out and hurt someone, but I was restraining myself. I don’t really want to hex anyone. The green restraining order signs refer to me retraining myself so I won’t hurt someone. I don’t know why the distance on them was precisely 17 feet. That might be a precognition about something that could make sense later. In this dream I’m being kept from one of my primary sources of power – access to knowledge. I still have nature around me as a secondary source of power though.
Today (Friday, Sept 1st), I went to 2 used book stores this morning. Thinking back to the Dimple used book store on Broadway, near the Tower theater, the scene in this later dream might have been precognitive of my visit here. I didn’t find books being thrown out, but I did find an odd bunch of empty CD cases tossed out. The pathways in my dream crossed at a kind of crossroads point, and this intersection is definitely a crossroad. The trees in real life weren’t birch trees (symbolic of new beginnings), but there are plenty of trees and bushes here. At that store, I got a science fiction book for 65 cents, by using points on my Dimple VIP card. At the second store, I got a book on how to read horoscope natal charts, which is kind of like the magical book in my dream. It’s in English, but the astrological signs are kind of like a foreign language. It’s also a reference book with some tables and charts.